Every Step Away

ESA26

Patihaya akong nahiga saaking kama at tumulala sa kisame habang malayang lumalandas ang butil ng luha saaking mga mata.

I sighed deeply and frustratingly brush my hands on my face. Bumango na ako mula sa pagkakahiga. Napangiwi ako sa sakit na aking nararamdaman sa gitna ng aking hita ngunit tiniis ko ito.

Agad akong pumasok sa banyo at pumasok sa shower. Pulang pula ang aking mukha habang naaalala ang mga nangyari kagabi. Oh my god! He saw all of me, he kissed all of me and... ramdam ko pa din saaking balat ang bawat mararahang haplos niya at ang pakiramdam ng kanyang mga halik.

"Fuck!" I blurted out and immediately turn off the shower.

He... fuck.

He didn't pull out.

Oh my god... what if?

Napasandal ako sa pader at mariing minasahe ang aking ulo. I have a regular menstruation. It's been more than two weeks since I had my last. And counting the days... I may or may not be fertile... shit.

Seriously, hindi ko din inaasahan na bibigay ako. I'm not really tracking my ovulation cycle because I'm not sexually active. Tangina.

I sigh deeply and open the shower again. Come what may.

Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko kung sakaling mabubuntis man ako. I know at this moment, I am not ready for it because my life is still a mess. But if a child really came to my life, then I will treasure and love him or her as a gift from above.

I wore a white button-down polo tucked in my high-waist denim pants in a stylish way. Nagsneakers nalang din ako. Gusto ko kasing mag-bus going back to Cavite at hassle kung magd-dress at heels ako. However, I still wanna look formal because I will go to my father's office in the Capitol. Ayoko naman naka-shorts or crop top lang ako.

I just put light make up on my face before getting my sling bag with all the necessary things I need before going out.

I rode a cab to PITX in Paranaque before going into the bus that has the route to Trece Martirez, where Dad's office is. I can actually hail a cab and go straight to Trece, that's an easier one. But I choose the more complicated way not because it's cheaper but because it feels so nostalgic.

My parents frustrate me all the time. And every time one of them disappoints me, I need to breathe away so I will resort to taking the bus alone so I can go to my other parent's house. Walang driver na pwedeng maghatid saakin dahil sariling desisyon ko naman umalis palagi.

Today, I can visualize my thirteen years old self, leaning on the bus window, silently crying while staring blankly on the road.

Galit na galit sila noon palagi dahil sa ginagawa ko. Pero nasanay na sila kalaunan. At the age of sixteen, they let me live alone.

It was heartbreaking. But I can't deny that it's also my silent and peaceful years where I learned so much.

Ako:

Dad, I'm here.

It was already past 12 when I arrived. Medyo hindi rin kasi ako pamilyar sa Trece. It's been years! At isa pa, Dad's house is in Imus. It just happen that Trece is Cavite's capital kaya rito din ang kapitolyo.

I asked around, tama ang desisyon kong magsapatos at magpants nalang!

"Ma'am Santh?"

Napalingon ako noong may tumawag saakin. Lalaki iyon na hindi naman gaano pang katanda katulad ni Daddy pero mas matanda rin saakin. Hindi ko alam kung paano niya ako nakilala, mukhang tatay ko lang naman ang may kilala saakin dito.