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ii ◦〉"feel something" pt.1 〉𝖌𝖏𝖆

I want to feel anything, no matter how painful over nothing at all.

After everything that happened, the few days she'd gone without eating multiple times were the only things she felt were enough to deal with the guilt that was killing her inside. She really promised. But she couldn't do stop.

It was nice to have a secret, find her own bliss through the pain in a world that only ever knew how to make her feel guilty about everything. When she stopped eating, all of the guilt seemed to disappear, from how she was traumatized over Rue's OD into the number of calories in the food on her plate and how much she'd gain if she ate, even though a small part of her knew it was irrational. But her thoughts were all the more powerful. She didn't even feel like a person these days, just a body harming itself whenever it wanted. It was miserable.

But still, it was something to feel. The panging headaches and hunger cramps that made it a bitch just to stand were horrible, but at least she could control and take advantage of this feeling.

Today in the school cafeteria, she hadn't been lucky in living that feeling down. That morning, her mom and Rue never asked if she ate breakfast, and assumed she did despite Gia feeling her stomach rumble as she put on baggy clothes, trying to hide any part of her body she didn't feel comfortable letting others see, let alone herself. Too restless from the hunger to even sleep, she got ready early,  caught the school bus stop before Rue, waited for her and the bus to come, and went class.

By lunch, she and her friends Troy, Roy, and Nykie, and Sienna and had all met up, and as much as all of the food overwhelmed her, she went anyway.

She liked Troy. He made her laugh and was fun to hang out with. He knew what is was like to have a parent who forgot you were there because of some older sibling like Rue or Chris McKay who got the most attention whether good or bad. That's what made at so annoying to leave him at the carnival when Rue asked-he got her and Rue didn't. After they first met and started talking, they spent every school day together. And whenever Gia made up a proper reason for not getting food-lunch too.

There was a five person table-Troy and Roy sitting in between Gia, Nykie and Sienna sitting together and across from them.

She loved talking to her friends, but whenever she went to lunch with them, she always had to come up with a strange excuse for why she didn't get any food after her friends came to the table. All setting their trays of either burgers, salad, or or rice set down as they sat next to her.

Nykie's eyes bulged at Gia, alarmed by her empty space with no tray of food. She looked directly at her best friend.

"G...this is the eigth time you finally had lunch with us...and you're not getting anything?"

"I just don't feel hungry today," Gia said passively, shrugging and raising a brow at Nykie's concern.

Nykie side eyed Sienna, who, looking at Nykie's face immediately, understood that "please agree our best friend isn't okay" look.

"Nyk-she's fine."

"Si, she looks pale and we never see her eat. Gia-you're okay, right? You know you can talk to us about anythi-"

"Chill. She's not like-anemic or anything, is that what you call it," Roy interrupted, rolling his eyes as he ate his burger.

"It's anorexic, you dumbass," Nykie teased, snickering along with Sienna at his mistake.

"Nah bro, anemia is when you have iron deficiency," Troy corrected, nodding at him. He turned to Gia, leaning his arm around her.

"I mean, you don't look pale like that anyway, not like you're—that. Anorexia is stupid, you too smart to be doing that," Troy said kindly, leaning a reassuring arm around Gia. She secretly liked it, feeling this close to him, but her mind was wandering to how he thought her weight looked instead.

I'm wearing a giant ass hoodie to cover up, what if I think I weigh less than I really do?

I'm fraud.

I'm not good enough and he's faking it.

And the way my weight's changed-he doesn't like me for me. I have to keep doing this.

I don't feel hungry at all.

Sienna gave Nykie a playful shove as she spoke to her while looking at Gia. Maybe it was the brain fog raising her emotions, but Sienna not knowing one of her best friends was lying, even if Gia was trying her best to keep it secret made her secretly furious. Being able to eat in front of everyone and not having to worry about calories or if a bite of it makes you unworthy or anything, and enough to mock people who couldn't.

"See, she's too smart to be getting into stupid ass shit like how much she weighs and oooh-" Sienna pretended to scream in high pitched voice, "calories!"

That word makes me want cry.

"I guess you're right. I'm not-trying to start anything, G," she began, placing her hand on the table for her to hold, "I just, we want you to know we're there for you."

Please fucking help me. Please realize this hurts. I can't think for shit.

Gia, gulped, suddenly realizing all of her friends eyes were focused on her.

"Yeah, never. That's stupid. I just forget to bring my money. The food isnt that good anyway."

Gia agreed by shaking her head, holding out her hand to reassuringly hold Nykie's.

"See? I know my girl. Gia would never do that stuff Roy," Sienna said, pointing the fork in her hand in the air at Troy.

"Damn, chill," Troy chuckled, throwing his hands up in the air in surrender. "That was Roy and he was just askin' a question! Gia and me-we're cool though, right? About the carnival crap last week and all?"

Gia swallowed. When Troy spoke, his voice was loud and clear, but right now, her entire hearing blurred and everything sounded and looked like fuzz, muffled. She could slightly hear him half-apologizing, and felt he was too good a friend to hold a petty grudge over, even if she didn't forgive herself. But the sound of everyone else in the room was slowly fading.

She blinked a few times, trying to return her vision, all while standing as still as possible, holding her hands on the sides of her seat to keep from falling off balance.

"Right. We're cool."

She could barely hear herself speak back.

After lunch was over, Gia slowly got up, the black stars replacing her vision as her knees became weak once she walked to the cafeteria exit. Troy and Roy went their separate ways from her, Julie, and Sienna since they had different classes.

Gia slowed down behind the girls on their way to their lockers before class, her heart beating quick and barely being able to see anything while she stepped. Now, she could barely feel the rest of her body. She collapsed, hitting her head with a loud thud on the floor.

"GIA!"

Gia didn't remember what happened right after she fainted, or hear whoever shouted her name. All she could recall was her nose bleeding when she woke up, and a tall blonde in pastel platform heels arguing with what sounding like a boy's voice from her cracked door-in a place she hadn't been in the bed of since last summer.