shadowhunters imagines & preferences

jace - hold on

⚠️warning⚠️: contains graphic description of suicide attempt and talk about depression, if this makes you uncomfortable in any way, please refrain from reading.

———

You grabbed the razor. It felt freezing in your warm hand. You just wanted everything to go away. To sleep. You felt tears streaming down your cheeks, as the cold razor was laying in your hand. There was a note left on the counter.

I'm sorry baby
I love you
- (y/n)

You looked up in the mirror, disgusted by how you looked. Your mind was full of thoughts about your weight. About your looks. About everything. You just wanted them to go away. You wanted the world to disappear. You sighed as you steadied your shaking hands, determined.

[Jace POV]

I felt my feet hit the ground rhythmically as I walked to the store. I started to grab my wallet from my pocket, when I realized I had left it at home. I chuckled at my stupidness, turning around.

I stumbled up the last flight of stairs, grabbing my keys. I opened the door, expecting (y/n) to just be on the couch watching tv.

When I walked past it though, the tv was turned off and (y/n) was nowhere to be found. I yelled through the apartment, starting to get worried.
"(Y/n)?? Are you in here?" I opened the door to our bedroom, but she wasn't there either. I tried the door to the bathroom, but it was locked. I knocked. "Babe, you in here?!" No answer.

you locked yourself in the bathroom
lying on the floor when I break through

I unlocked the door with a screwdriver I got from the kitchen, my heart beating too quickly.

When I broke through, she was lying on the floor. A razor blade was laying still in her right hand, and her left dripped blood all over the floor.

i pull you in to feel your heartbeat
can you hear me screaming please don't leave me

I ran inside, pulling her limp body towards me. I tried to feel her pulse, but couldn't. Tears were rolling down my cheeks at this point.

I carefully laid her back down, running to the living room to get my phone. I dialed 911.

"911, what's your emergency?"
It took me a while to respond, not knowing how to put it into words.
"Hello?"
I cleared my throat and just started speaking. "Uhm, hello." I said, my voice shaky.
"What's your emergency?"
"Uhm, my girlfriend, she tried to commit suicide." I said in between sobs.
"I'm going to ask you to check some things so we know what the situation is, are you able to do that?"
"Yes." I almost whispered into the phone.

I walked into the bathroom, finding her where I left her mere seconds ago. "Is there a pulse?" The woman on the line asked. I felt (y/n)'s neck. "I think so, it's really weak." "Okay, is the girl breathing?" "I— I don't know." I tried to keep my own breathing steady, but crying and stress didn't work well together. "Could you give me your address?" "Of course."

a long endless highway, you're silent beside me
driving a nightmare I can't escape from
helplessly praying, the light isn't fading
hiding in the shock and the chill in my bones

they took you away on a table
i pace back and forth as you lay still
i pull you in to feel your heartbeat
can you hear me screaming please don't leave me

[2nd person POV]

You felt a light sneak through your eyelids. You slowly opened them, not knowing where you were. You tried to sit up, but when you tried to use your left arm, you felt a sharp pain pierce through it. You saw a white bandage wrapped around it. When you looked at your right one, and there was a drip attached to a bag of blood.

Suddenly the door opened and a doctor and two nurses walked into the room. The nurses started talking to you and one changed the bandage on your left arm. When you saw the wound underneath, you remembered what you'd done.

You felt tears coming to your eyes again, but blinked them away. The doctor asked you some questions about how you were feeling, and you answered them without much thought.

When she stopped talking, you asked in a hoarse voice: "Where's Jace — I mean, my boyfriend?" She told you he had been waiting in the waiting room for 5 hours. "Can I see him?" You asked, almost whispering. She nodded and walked out of the room.

[Jace POV]

I shook my head as I felt another flow of tears. My hair was really messy and I was on my 10th cup of coffee, but I couldn't do anything else than sit here until I knew (y/n) was alright.

hold on, i still want you

I wiped the fresh tears from my eyes and leaned back against the wall. Then I saw the doctor who was in
(y/n)'s room just now walk into the waiting room. I sat straight up in my chair, looking at her hopefully. "Jace Wayland?" She said. I stood up quickly. "You can see her now." She pointed me to the room.

come back, i still need you

I knocked on the door softly and opened it. (Y/n) was staring out the window. I knew she noticed I was there. I saw her trying to stop tears from falling from her eyes when she finally looked at me.

[2nd person POV]

He walked over to the bed. "(Y/n)..." he whispered in a sad tone. "Why did you save me?" "I'm so sorry for not knowing you felt this way." "Why did you save me Jace?" You said, louder. "I just wanted it all to stop! Why did you?!"

He hugged you, whispering 'I'm so sorry's into your ear. You tried to push him away but failed as you finally let out the tears you had been holding since he stepped into the room.

let me take your hand, i'll make it right

You broke down, your sobs muffled in the fabric of his hoodie, your head laying in the crook of his neck.

"I'm so happy you're okay." He whispered. "I couldn't do it anymore Jace. I just couldn't." You said in between sobs. "I know, but we can get you through it. We'll find you help, and you can always talk to me about anything. You're not alone anymore."

i swear to love you all my life

You slowly nodded, your tears dripping into his hoodie. "You're going to be okay. I love you, baby." "I— I love you s— so much." You said back. "I'm so sorry. I— I don't know wh— what I was th— thinking..." "Shhh... It's alright... you're okay." He whispered into your ear.

hold on, i still need you

———

A/N:

I hope you liked that.

Please get help if you self harm, or feel depressed in any way. And know that you are loved. I don't know you, and I know myself that some weirdo on the internet telling you they love you doesn't help. But even if I don't know you, I know your family and friends love you even if they don't show it sometimes. And if you need it, I do love you and I hope you get better.

I was going through a hard time about a year ago, and my friends told my teacher, who made me talk to a therapist and though I was angry at first, it really helped overall.

So please, get help.

Thanks for reading!

xx me

1285 words — including a/n