The quaint whispers of Bud Light

The New Begining

The rays of scorching hot sun hit his extremely handsome face and reflected off of his deep, hazel eyes as this beautiful individual left the plane. The man. The legend. The mystery. It was the Australian Man himself. He was clutching his rather small briefcase, filled to the brim with shorts, singlet tops, and comfy flip-flops, in which he traversed many, many miles in the unforgiving Australian deserts. Australian felt he was ready to start his new life right here, free from worries, free from his sorrows, free from paying child support.

Florida.

It was something he was ready to call his home.

He retrieved his suitcase and with a little prep in his step he confidently made his way to the entrance, where a taxi was already waiting for him. He hopped in, excited to get to his new house, and fidgeted with the clips on his briefcase. Australian rolled down the window, put his hand on the car door and smiled as the wind whipped against his trapezoid-shaped face. He was content, knowing that everything is going to turn out okay. Australian felt he was finally on the road to success- a new house, a new job, a new life was just a 20-minute drive ahead of him. What Australian did not know was that a new love was waiting for him too.

The driver stopped the car in front of the new Australian Man residence. Well, maybe not a residence. Australian might have been scammed.

He was definitely scammed.

The photos showed a beautiful, big, white house with a luxurious pool. What he got instead was a little poop shack with beaten to shit windows and a little welcome wagon in the form of a cat that looked like it came off of the assembly line in Chernobyl licking its own ass. The creature, however, couldn't see Australian approaching, as its eyes were looking in different directions. He sidestepped it with disgust and opened the creaking doors. He was welcomed with a thick cloud of dust and cocaine, which settled on his nicer pair of evening flip-flops. Australian set down his suitcase and looked around the living room, the furniture still covered with plastic wrapping. He set out on a tour around his new home, first visiting the kitchen. As he opened the fridge, the smell of rotting flesh hit his nose. Fortunately, it was only chicken nuggets and not human organs for sale. He closed it with a thud and carefully stepped over the little specks of blood splattered all over the kitchen floor, creating a lovely abstract painting. Australian opened the back door leading to the backyard and saw something moving in the little kiddie pool sitting in the grass. Upon closer inspection, Australian concluded it was an alligator. To not disturb Florida's poster animal, he closed the door quietly.

"Feels like home." he thought to himself.

He turned around and almost had a heart attack. There it was, sitting on the counter, looking at him sinisterly.

The cat.

It looked at him with one eye, the other following the fly buzzing around the room. There was a devilish aura surrounding the pet and Australian had a very bad feeling about it. Suddenly, it leaped from the counter and started walking towards the man, who took a step back in fear of his life. He could not escape, however, as his back touched the door behind him. He was trapped, Satan's cat in front of him, and a fully grown alligator in his backyard. His life flashed in front of his eyes and he apologized to everyone he has ever wronged in his life. With his eyes closed, he awaited the impact, yet it never came. He could feel the cat sniffing his leg and then, in what felt like a magical moment, the cat bumped its head into Australian's shin.

He befriended a demon.

He slowly opened his eyes to see the cat rubbing itself on his legs and meowing adorably. He braced himself and lifted his new pet into the air, closely examining its little face. To say it was disfigured was like to say nothing at all. This cat looked like it had FASD and was run over by a bus multiple times in its youth.

Australian could feel a deeper connection to the animal, as this was something his ex-wife used to say to him a lot too.

The man put the cat closer to his chest and started patting its head. He never expected to make a friend this fast, but life is a series of unexpected surprises. He himself was an unexpected surprise.

"Spleens." he whispered and the cat chirped in his arms in approval.

-----

Australian was getting ready to go the bed. He slipped into his pajamas and swished his teeth with beer. Listerine hurt his sensitive gums. He made himself comfortable in the bed, trying to not think too much about what might be still alive in the mattress and scratched Spleens' chin. However, as soon as his head full of luscious hair hit the pillow, he heard a commotion outside. He groaned, got out of bed, and looked outside the window to see what was the matter. He could see a woman throwing clothes out the door in his next-door neighbour house and he heard lots and lots of shouting and cursing. Then out the door came another woman, who was desperately trying to gather up her things. She threw her clothes in the car and sped off into the night. The other one was still standing on the porch, yelling obscenities at the other. He could hear "shut up!" and "go to sleep, Beth!" coming out of other people's houses. Australian smiled, remembering the neighbourhood arguments back home.

"Welcome to Florida!" He said to himself and returned to bed, snuggling Spleens closer to himself and letting his eyes shut.

 He had a long day of getting to know this place ahead of him.