Dominatrix Diaries

4. Digging Up the Past

He's already sitting on top of the roof when I arrive at the elementary school, the place where he took me on our first date to show me the stars.

They are glittering up in the sky tonight, just like they were all those years ago on Christmas.

I heave myself up onto the roof, no more agile than I was the first time I had to climb on top of this building.

Elias knows I'm here, he must, given all the noise I made on my way over, but he just stares up at the sky, his eyes reflecting the dark night.

"So, what exactly did you want to talk about?" I dare to break the silence.

"Are you seeing anyone?" He finally looks at me.

"Like a therapist?" I joke, taken aback by his bluntness.

He rolls his eyes and the corner of his mouth twitches upward. "No, Jules. I'm talking about seeing someone romantically, as in are you single?"

"You dragged me all the way out here to ask me if I was available? Do you need a last minute date to a wedding or something? Because I've done that once and I would not like to do it again." I know I'm rambling, but my nerves are getting to me. And for some reason I feel embarrassed to say that I am in fact single, even though I know there's nothing wrong with it.

"Julia, can you just answer the question?" He's losing patience, but I don't care because who is he to demand answers from me?

"Fine, yes I am single," I shrug. "And I assume you're with someone. Have you come to brag about your latest conquest?"

"Yes, I mean no, well it's just complicated," Elias sighs.

I still haven't sat down next to him yet, choosing instead to stand with my arms crossed, peering down at him.

"Will you just sit with me? Please?" He looks up at me hopefully.

"Clearly it's complicated if you felt the need to see a dominatrix," I finally sit down, making sure to keep a slight distance between us. "I see you haven't learned anything, still using girls until you get bored and move onto the next one."

Elias winces. "You know that's not what happened with you," he reaches out to touch my arm, but I pull away. I know his tricks and I'm not falling for them again.

He drops his hand, a look of utter dejection crossing over his face as if he's genuinely upset that I don't believe him. He's a good actor.

"Julia, I just wanted to talk to you because seeing you again just reminded me of what I'd promised myself I would do, and how I still haven't followed through," his gaze shifts away from me and focuses back on the stars. "I miss you, I miss having someone who actually cares about me and who can be honest when I'm being an asshole."

I finally look over at him. He looks like the same scared boy I knew all those years ago, unsure of himself, and terrified of the world. I take back what I said earlier about him not having learned. He must have learned something because back then he never would have been able to admit to me that he missed me. Even so, it's too late for that.

"Elias, I'm sorry you haven't felt cared for by the many girls I'm sure you've been with over the past few years, but that doesn't change the fact that when you did have me, you threw me away," he meets my eyes and I hold my gaze steady, no longer the scared girl I used to be who couldn't look him in the eye after saying something serious.

"I didn't throw you away," he seems offended that I would suggest such a thing. "I set you free because you deserved better."

"That's bullshit and you know it. You ran away because things were getting real, just like you always do when something is no longer easy. I believed in you so much and I promised you I would stay and work through anything with you, no matter how difficult. But you weren't willing to do the same, so you left," I feel my emotions rising up from deep inside me, things I haven't felt in a long time.

"I was a coward, I can admit that. But I did truly want better for you Julia, and I knew I couldn't be what you deserved, that's why I had to let you go," Elias looks so honest, it's difficult for me to stay strong and remember the truth, which is that he just didn't care enough to put in effort anymore.

"You can pretend all you want that you did it for me, maybe it helps ease your guilt, but I know that the real reason you did it was for yourself, so don't waste my time lying again," I can feel the tears welling in my eyes and I dig my fingernails into my palm, trying to hold them back.

Elias shakes his head sadly as if I'm the one who isn't understanding. "I loved you okay? But I didn't deserve your love, I hadn't earned it and I felt guilty for disappointing you all the time. I didn't know how to fix it though, I didn't know how to care for you so I thought that maybe someone else could do a better job," Elias's eyes were misting over now, and I fought the urge to wrap my arms around him and hold him like I used to.

He loved me?

His words take me by complete surprise. I had learned to accept long ago that he didn't love me and he never would, he wasn't capable of it. So to hear him say it now, all these years later, just stunned me.

"You shouldn't have given up so easily," I can't stop the tears now, they are spilling down my cheeks full force, leaving hot trails in their wake. "Even if you didn't know how to make it better, I could have helped you learn how. I would have been there for you, just like I promised." This time, I don't stop him when he pulls me into his arms. I sob against his chest, allowing myself to feel all the pain that I have hidden away for so long.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers into my hair, and I feel a tear that is not my own splash onto my forehead.

I tilt my head upwards and now I'm staring right into his blue eyes. I feel heat in my cheeks, finally realizing how close we are and how our lips are just inches away.

And then there is no space between us anymore, his lips are on mine.