𝕾𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖜𝖇𝖊𝖗𝖗𝖞 𝖑𝖎𝖕𝖌𝖑𝖔𝖘𝖘 {t. Kageyama}

10| dissassociate

              ⭑･ﾟﾟ･*:༅｡.｡༅:*ﾟ:*:✼✿　　✿✼:*ﾟ:༅｡.｡༅:*･ﾟﾟ･⭑

{A/N: this was also posted in my book "crush x reader" sorry if you've already read it}

Today was the day I had been dreading for a while now, I was going to talk to my psychiatrist. It had been months since I had seen him and my mental health was severely worsening. I felt like I was going crazy.

There were voices in my head, telling me I was worthless, that I should kill myself, and other horrible things. I tried to ignore them but they got stronger. These voices were so strong that she even had a name, Jade. Jade was the voice in my head, who told me to cut myself, burn myself, kill myself. I couldn't stand it any longer.

I waited patiently for the zoom call to start with my doctor. Only a minute in he accepted the call, and we were on live video chat. "Hey Maya" he greeted "how are you doing?" I giggled nervously. "Physically fine, mentally not so good" I joked half-heartedly. "That's a shame to hear, would you like to share with me?" He asked.

I gulped, swallowing down my anxiety and pushing it to the bottom of my stomach. "Sure" I muttered, as he waited patiently for me to inform him of my life. "Well, the voices I told you about have been getting worse. I don't think the meds you put me on are helping so much."

Dr rich nodded, scribbling something down onto a clipboard that was just barely shown on screen. "What do you mean by the voices are worsening?" He asked me. "They've just gotten stronger. They have been telling me to harm or kill myself and they've also named themselves. Their name is jade."

He nodded, seemingly intrigued. "I want to know, who is jade? Is she you? Or is she somebody else inside your head?" I sighed. "At first, I thought she was a part of me. But she's grown her own personality. I feel like she's a whole different person." "I can also switch into her when I'm feeling stressed out" I added

Dr rich nodded once again, his pen clicked before he added something else to his notes. "What stresses you out Maya?" He asked me. "Something that reminds me of what my dad did in the past, or when I'm feeling suicidal."

Dr rich looked at me dead in the eyes, causing my hairs to stand on end with nervousness. "When did your dad start abusing you?" He asked me. I answered without hesitation "3rd grade. I don't remember how old I was."

Dr rich smiled, "I think I've come to a conclusion. I can prescribe you some different meds that will help you cope with Jade. You can't get rid of her, but she will be a lot quieter In your head. Before I go do you have any questions for me?"

I was a bit afraid to ask this, because I knew no matter what it was I wouldn't like the answer, but I needed to know desperately. "What do you think I have?" I asked him. Dr rich seemed uncomfortable by the question.

"Well Maya, as a kid, if you experience a certain trauma over and over again before your personality is fully developed it can cause split personality. I think you have a severe form of PTSD known as disassociative identity. As you said, you may have voices or people in your head known as altars that you can switch in and out of under pressure. There are different kinds of altars, some kind, some protecting, and some are mean like jade."

My eyes went wide, I felt as if my entire soul had left my body at that moment. A chill went down my spine as I began to zone out, a headache creeped into my skull. These were all the signs of me switching into jade, and I couldn't allow it. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself and nodded. "Thanks so much for your time Dr. Rich. That's all I needed to know."

with that we said our goodbyes and I hung up, the call. As soon as I shut off my phone I broke down. I sobbed uncontrollably a swirl of emotions filling my brain. I was scared, and upset, and confused. How are my parents going to react? And what about my friends? I have no idea how I'm gonna get through this.

My train of thought was cut off by my bedroom door opening. Kageyama sat down beside me and rubbed my back slowly. I tried to stop my crying so he wouldn't see me like this. "Sweetheart what's wrong?" He asked me. "Did the psychiatrist appointment really go that bad?"

I looked away from him, embarrassed and ashamed. "They finally diagnosed me with something." I mumbled through hiccups. "Oh, that's great. What did he say you have?" Kageyama asked me, oblivious yet obviously concerned. "D-disassociative identity disorder" I cried. Kageyama was confused, not having a clue what that was.

I took some deep breaths before explaining the entire thing to him, just as Dr. Rich had done to me. After I was finished Kageyama sat me down on his lap and hugged me. "It's ok baby. We are going to get through this together." He assured, squeezing my hand for comfort.

"But now everybody is going to think I'm a psycho freaky weirdo! I screamed, melting in his arms. "It's better if you just break up with me. Nobody wants to date a psycho."

Kageyama was hurt by my cruel words towards myself. "You're none of those things Maya. You're still the same amazing, sweet, gorgeous girl I've always known. Just because you have a mental illness doesn't change the fact that I love you, and I will support you no matter what."

I hid my head in Kageyama's broad chest, sniffling but feeling slightly better. "Thank you." Was all I could say to him at this moment.

"No need to thank me sweetheart. It's what any good boyfriend would do"

{A/N: I'm sorry if this chapter wasn't all that relatable. A few days ago this exact thing happened to me, where I was clinically diagnosed with DID and I couldn't help but be afraid of losing all my friends because of it. I guess this chapter was a sort of vent for me, so I hope you can all understand. On the other hand DID isn't a very well known mental illness, and I wanted to make this chapter as a mental health awareness. it's a serious thing that should be talked about more, because people who have it struggle with this for life. Thank you all for bearing with me. I love you all}

              ⭑･ﾟﾟ･*:༅｡.｡༅:*ﾟ:*:✼✿　　✿✼:*ﾟ:༅｡.｡༅:*･ﾟﾟ･⭑