your loss, not mine | Sooshu

I can't stop my mind from haunting me.

"No reason, really."

Suddenly, a sharp pain crosses her forehead. She hastily puts a hand over her temple, bending down as she closes her eyes. She clutches her hair, tugging it upward. Her face begins to shape into pain, a misery that's been forming a root in her chest.

"Hey," Yuqi says again, more forcefully this time "Are you okay?"

"Yes," Shuhua breathes "I'm fine. I'm just. . ."

A little bit confused, maybe. A little bit hurt. A little bit heartbroken. And maybe, she's still trying to reassemble herself, to form the same bone pattern, to build the same home that Soojin has always been wrecking.

Because it's Shuhua. Shuhua who could never deny Soojin, even after all the pain. Shuhua who still loves Soojin, even when she was the one who left. Shuhua who sees Soojin's eyes in every brown that she encounters - the leaves falling from the trees, her morning coffee, even the teddy bear she gave her on her last birthday.

"I'm just tired."

Yuqi stares at her in concern, but shrugs. She wasn't the type to force people into sharing their feelings, their problems.

24 October 2016

Apartment hunting is difficult, especially when Shuhua could remember when the two of them looked for one together. She had been staying at Yuqi's place for a month now, and she doesn't think she could stand staying there any longer.

Not that Yuqi was a slob, no. It was the exact opposite, much to Shuhua's surprise. She kept the place pristine, she kept it organized. She kept it manageable. Which is why she couldn't handle staying there. The neatness and organization reminds her of an old flame. A burned out flame.

Tired and wet, Shuhua enters the first coffee shop that she sees. A small, unassuming coffeeshop that she passes by every time she went out. She sees a flash of black curls, and hears a laugh she hasn't heard in a while. Shuhua wishes the sun had shown itself today. But it's raining outside, pouring rain that drips its way down the windows in the melancholy way that rain does.

Regretting things is pointless. What-iffing is pointless, and it always will be. The way that it ended won't change. It won't magically become okay, and Shuhua knows that.

She can't seem to let go of her hate –of that feeling of betrayal, resentment. She can't let go because she's choked on words that she should've said.

She leaves without glancing back.

---

It's always the romantic who lies, the romantic who ignores the truth, the romantic who tries to weave everything into their happy narrative. She never was good at telling the truth. It was always so much easier to hide behind facades and lies, and she justifies herself by saying, well, I can, so why shouldn't I?

Shuhua the romantic girl, the clinging girl, the lying girl. It is Shuhua who lies. To herself. To everyone. Lies that she doesn't love Soojin anymore. Lies that it doesn't hurt. Lies that she doesn't regret leaving.

But the truth always finds a way back to her. She would find it in the oddest of places, like under the sheets where it's warm and the pillows smell like moonlight, or the heated scent of pancakes Yuqi prepares in the morning. Or, maybe the set of keyboards where they always seem to spell out Soojin's name.

Shuhua wishes she'd never have tasted Soojin's sweetness. She can still find her right where her lips can't erase the rest of her. But she still can't run away, can she? She's still trapped in the mess inside her chest, in the Valium that's been growing in her bones.

And maybe she should stop this, stop hurting herself, stop loving her.

Can she, though? Can she stop loving Soojin?

Is that even possible?

12 March 2016

Sometimes, Soojin came home with a ghastly ocean under her eyes. Shuhua couldn't get rid of the sight, even after she tries to scrub it off her eyelids. The way she would sweep the older girl in her arms, peppering her with kisses until both of them are laughing.

Soojin had a way of making the moon feel like perfect company.

They were dancing now, her hands on Soojin's waist, Soojin's hands on her neck, swaying to the beat of slow pop songs until their feet started to feel sore. Soojin is leaning on her chest, and she is supporting her with all her might because, really, Shuhua is a frail girl with a frail heart.

And they were singing together as well, even though most of the time, they were just humming to the tune because they had no idea what the complete lyrics were. Shuhua is enjoying that moment because it was rare. Soojin wasn't a sucker for romantics, not like she was. So she appreciates her gesture and the way she looks at Shuhua like she was her world.

Soojin looks at her and smiles. "Shuhua, I have something to tell you."

And Shuhua's heart beats ferociously against her chest. She was going to die any minute now if she didn't let go of her, but she couldn't let go of her. Not right now. Not when everything felt so perfect. "Hm?" she somehow managed to speak.

"Promise me you won't overreact?" Soojin says seriously, though there was a playful tone in her voice.

Shuhua's palms were slippery and the heat in their room was contagious. She hopes Soojin wouldn't notice her grip on her waist wavering. She didn't want to let go. Not yet. Not now. Not ever. "I promise," she whispers into her hair.

"I love you."

Was she still breathing? She wasn't. She didn't think so. She isn't sure if she heard it correctly, but Soojin said it. The three words she's wanted to hear since they first meet. She never wanted this moment to stop. She never wanted to stop dancing with her, and Shuhua would bear with her clammy hands for years to come if it meant hearing those words again.

Their lips fall into each other, a collision of atoms. A soft boundary, a sigh, a heartbeat. Their lips are moving into each other. Their chests are beating against each other, breathing against each other, and the spaces between them are nonexistent. And the heat passes between their bodies, a fire that's been trampled on, but flaming again.

"I love you, too." she chokes out. She feels like crying, and when Soojin gazes at her with a littlest grin on her face like she was playing a practical joke, her heart broke into a thousand pieces in that room. Her grip finally lightens, and she lets go.

---

it's not the heights that scare me, i think.
it's not knowing if you'll be on the other end to catch me.