My imaginary boyfriend

10 : The death of the little boy

"Dr. Phai. Your hand is shaking. Are you sure you're OK?" The very same nurse asked me again, this time with even more concern.

"Uh... I'm sure I'm OK." I stupidly replied to her while it was so obvious that I was such a wreck, looked so exhausted and shivered.

"I think you need some rest. Do not push yourself too hard." She seemed to disagree with me and that totally made sense.

"Um... if I don't do the ward round, then there'd be nobody taking care of the patients." I argued.

"Well, I will push the cart and hold all the cases for you. Just order what you want me to do. I'll write all the prescriptions and you can just sign them for approval." She offered me help. On second thoughts, I should agree with her. I later nodded to her since I didn't have any other option. Then, I looked at my hand and tried to force it to stop shaking again but it didn't work. Any more attempts would also be futile so I decided to keep working despite my condition. I redirected to focus on the patients at hand and started that evening's ward round.

All right. I've already made up my mind. To make it clear for both of us, I will ask him today right after I saw him. I will ask Klong about who he was. Yes, when you're in doubt, the best way out is to ask. It's the basic principle of being in an intimate relationship. It doesn't only apply to the relationship between human beings but also to that between a human being and... a mysterious thing like Klong. I was in doubt and I needed to ask. I thought that getting an answer that wasn't in your favor was better than being trapped in the maze of doubts in which you would never reach the answer. Since he did say that I was his lover, I had the right to ask everything about my lover. If he wasn't answering about who he was, then I would ask him about what he was.

Unfortunately, I didn't have such a chance to ask any questions. The playground was empty today. That abandoned swing was also empty without any trace of Klong. Normally, I would just make a beeline home if he didn't show up but no, I decided to linger. I sat in the seat next to where he usually sat. I had some weird feelings and it was so intense that it made me afraid of sitting in his seat. I couldn't pinpoint what I was really afraid of, though. Was I really afraid of Klong? I didn't think so. At first, I had been afraid of him. It was more like a mix of fear and doubt that I always felt when I met him. However, I couldn't deny that when I was with him, there would always be the happiness which fulfilled me so much that I forgot about the fear I bore. No intelligence needed to see that I was in love with him.

But you know what? Love can't conquer everything. I used to think that no matter what Klong was, our love towards each other was enough. It didn't matter whether or not he really existed in the real world as long as there was happiness at the moment I was with him. Happiness was sufficient for me and I didn't want anything more than that. It totally was not true. Not at all. Love is actually weak and can't conquer anything. You need to put all the efforts and attempts in order to preserve it. Fear and frustration had always been like an enemy who was looking for the chance to destroy our love. They had lost at first, since I had tried so hard to fight back and get rid of them but now, both fear and frustration became more and more powerful in my mind and they eventually overpowered my love to Klong. It was not that my love faded away. In fact, my love towards Klong had always been the same but the power of fear and frustration grew much stronger.

It was always my frustration towards Klong but now, it's my frustration towards myself even.

I sat by myself beside Klong's seat of that swing. I waited and hoped that we would come back soon. Even when the last light disappeared from the horizon, he didn't come back to me. I got up, dusted off my pants and walked home torpidly. There was only emptiness in my mind. I then took shower even though my stomach was churning. My appetite was lost and I didn't feel like eating at all. I just wanted to get to bed, supposing that he would wait for me in my dream. I flipped myself left and right in bed. Even with forcing myself to keep my eyes closed, I couldn't get myself to sleep. After I realized that there was no way to put myself to sleep naturally, I got up and decided to take some sleeping pills.