The voice within me

A life

Reader here we are again.

So as I am sitting in the bus and the sunshine touches my face I decide to start at the beginning. 

That might be a little dull but happy and I promise my whispers will get more interesting really fast. Sadly also less a little more grim.

Will you hold my hand when we get there?

Let's not dwell in negativity too much.

Saying that reminds me of a Facebook quote I really.. love?

It goes like this:

Everyone wants sunshine,
Nobody wants pain,
But you can't have a rainbow,
Without a little rain.

So there was a baby. Me.
Did you know my mom and I moved to Portugal when I was only three months old?

Not that I can remember. But somehow I do have some memories growing up there.

The most vivid one was when I had my first nose bleed. I don't know how it happened but I remember running into the house and yelling : "Papai, papai!"

I remember him comforting me and I was allowed to watch 'The Lion King' hurled up in the couch with my Teddybear and a paper handkerchief.

The Lion King was portugese and I only threw out the video 4 years ago. Not that I speak the language anymore anyways. 

The Teddybear I call Ben is guarding the corner of my room.

And the man wasn't my father.

He was my moms boyfriend.

My biological dad was too busy working and never came to Portugal.
I can only imagine my mom listening to his empty promises and got tired one day and started a new relationship with a man I had called papa.

I own a DVD on which there is a video of me playing around his house. And everytime I watch it its like I almost can remember that moment. Or maybe I just remember it because I am watching it..

Do you ever have the doubt if you actually remember something or you just remember it because you feel an old picture or hear about it? 

Do you ever question if your memories are real or not?

Again I do.
Not because I don't have trust in myself. Not because I think that I have an unreal perception of reality. 
But I guess sometimes am vulnerable to the perception of others.
Especially if I seek their approval.

I will try to explain,
Even when I am positive something happened and somebody says: " That never happened.. "

I question myself.. how sure am I it actually happened, did I overlook something or did I interpret it differently? This goes especially for my memories as a kid. Before that moment I told you about feeling one of the grownups.

But sometimes.. I am dead sure the thing happened. And nobody can convince me it didn't happen.

This is important. For a moment I will tell you about another time.