At the time I was tryna figure out what it meant to be in love, why lovers
did what they did? How one person could mean everything to another
person? How we become crazy about someone else? Why we do things
we’ve never done?
These questions kept bugging my mind. Take for example Mrs.
Thompson, who in her late sixties has only one worry, her son who she
loves. Perhaps she loved or still loves his dad, we can only say for sure if
death hadn’t taken Mr. Thompson. These days become the loneliest
because I no longer hear Mrs. Thompson’s words. She often told me how
one must love even though love is the only reason we feel true hurt, love
is still the best and love gives meaning to life she says. The dark clouds in
her eyes makes it difficult to look her in the eyes while she spoke to me.
One day she said to me “I know why you avoid eye contact with me and
you’re right my eyes are dark, I’ll tell you why”. Mrs. Thompson narrated
how when she was sixteen she lost her three years old son to death by
the hands of his dad. I remembered how tears rolled down her cheek when she said “I held my baby, I called his name but he didn’t smile or
answer his mother, he had never not smiled before when I called his
name but he didn’t smile that day” she cleaned her cheek with the back
of her palm and continued “I knew he was dead but I would not let a tear
for him because if I did, it meant that those who never wanted me to
keep him were right and had won. Now they are gone I cry for my boy
everyday”. After speaking to her that day, I knew why I had never seen
her only son she spoke always about, her only son died fifty three years
ago. Till this day I can’t phantom why fifty three years wasn’t enough to
heal Mrs. Thompson. I guess she loved her son too much but what is
strange to me is how she says it’s her love for her son that motivates her
every day.
Beside the coffee store there’s an old veteran who tells anyone who
cares to listen why he tells everyone his story. Guess who listened? Me,
I listened, one morning I offered him a cup of coffee, he collected it and
said “you shouldn’t have, I can buy my own coffee, if you feel like helping me then listen”. He took a sip and said “thank you, I don’t know when
but it will be my turn soon, when they get me please say to my wife, I
love her and it was not my fault they got me. I am not mad, I am only
preparing, Sgt. Billy couldn’t prepare before they took him. Please tell my
wife I love her”.
Again the word love. Again all that matter to this man was that his wife
knew he loved her. I later discovered he lost his wife some years ago.
Once I asked the late janitor’s daughter why she always smiled she said
“trust me it’s easier that way” I presumed she meant life was easier that
way, I guess she couldn’t be wrong because her history gives her
bragging right.
“We could have been happy together” was the last words I heard in our
relationship before we got to this stage. This may be the end of our
relationship and what I can’t understand is why I still feel fine? Why
hasn't your absence shattered me? I should be broken or hurt but I feel
nothing. May be I never loved you. I am only saying this because I have seen what love has caused, I have been told what it means to be loved,
maybe you're crazy about me and I can’t see it. Seating alone in this room
with all this thoughts and what I feel for life right now, I think it’s nothing
compared to how I may have made you feel if truly you loved me and
you were crazy about me but I never felt same way about you.
I see the religious people, they are happy for no reason, they have nasty
stories but they are happy, they carry on like they have no problems, that
gives me the creeps because I have no problems too and I am not like
them, it’s like they are unaware of reality, when you ask them how they
keep their shit together they say it’s Jesus, it’s God, Jesus this Jesus that.
Even Mrs. Thompson said she feels like giving up sometimes even though
her love for her son motivates her, she’s sure Jesus loves her and keeps
her. I think they are crazy especially when they say love can be one sided
especially when they said Jesus loved them when they couldn’t love him
back. How can all of them believe that one man can love all of them
individually? But they are crazy and happy.
My absence in our relationship I can now say is a result of my emptiness,
I am sorry, I wish I could be more, I wish I could love you, but I don’t know
how to. If you ever read this then be assured that if I ever got to love, it
was you I loved, it had to be you.
You’re good and kind.
If this is any consolation, I have often heard that just being available to
be loved as love needs no reciprocation you make those who love you
happy. If this is true and you believe this and you were happy with just
my presence then I hope for your sake that you get my letter and find
me before the light does.
