Powder [phan]

XIII

"He was worried about you, Dan. Be glad that he did it. Who knows if you would still be alive."

Of course, I couldn't hide what I thought about it.

"And you? Didn't you worry?"

"Of course I did. I just didn't know where you were and I also thought that you never want to see me again."

"I really never wanted to see you again, but I'm just fucking lost without you." That was the pure truth, however stupid it sounded. Phil was my best friend if you ignore the rest of it. He always took care of me, was always there for me and I always appreciated it.

His hand ran through my hair, lingered on the back of my head and gently directed me to the crook of his neck so that he could hug me. Immediately the security enveloped me.

He kissed my hair and let his hand move up and down my back soothingly.

"We can do it." he said softly. "I need you as much as you need me."

His words came through so clearly. They gave me hope that everything could be really good. But I still didn't believe it deep inside me. That thought was like a thorn in my heart that you just couldn't grasp to pull it out.

I needed both.

I needed Phil and I needed the security that the drugs gave me.

That had become clear to me last night and had made me make a decision.

I would just take so much that it only kept me afloat, but no more. I was almost certain it would be fine, after all, it had been doing it long enough before Phil found out.

This time I would hide it even better.

"Hey, you're shivering." Phil noticed and immediately pushed me away a bit. "What's wrong? Is it because of the drugs?"

I could see how reluctant he was to talk about it, to put that word in his mouth in the first place. One more reason to follow through on my plan.

"I guess." I replied, although there were actually a lot more factors and feelings that led to it.

"You don't have to do it alone. No matter how bad it gets. Please, don't forget that."

I remembered my thoughts from earlier. Phil burdened himself so much and still tried to tell me that I should leave my problems to him, if that was possible.

"You don't have to do this alone either." I therefore answered firmly and smiled weakly at him. He understood what I meant.

"We can do it together." he announced firmly and kissed me.

I put my hands on his forearms and gently stroked them.

"I should go take a shower." I muttered after a while, hoping that Phil would just let me go.

"Yes." He nodded in agreement. "Do you need help somehow?"

"I think I can do it on my own." I tried to joke and he actually smiled. Our eyes glared at each other for a few moments until I finally let go of his arm and disappeared into the bathroom with some clothes.

But I hadn't just taken my clothes with me.

Just so much that it kept me afloat. No more.

Phil's POV

As soon as he disappeared into the bathroom, I picked up my phone where a hell of a lot of messages and calls from Oliver were waiting for me. I couldn't tell him where I was.