The Dreamers

XXIII

"Sorry, Ma'am. There's really nothing available tonight."

I sigh in exasperation. This is the third hotel Javi has driven me to. 

I smiled and thanked the receptionist before going back to Javi's parked car. Instead of getting in again, I knocked on his window.

Binaba niya ito at tiningnan ako, all playfulness of earlier gone. "And?"

I shook my head. "Nothing. But I'll try on the nearby bed and breakfast. You can go ahead, Gov. Thank you for giving me a ride." I say without meeting his eyes. 

Tumalikod na ako at madaling naglakad.

I heard a car door slam kaya mas nagmadali akong lumakad. Napamura ako sa gulat nang bigla akong hawakan ni Javi sa braso.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"Let me go, Sir." I say, prying his hands off my arm pero mas hinigpitan pa niya. "I can manage, please let me go."

Javi greeted his teeth. "Stop being stubborn, Valerie. Get in the car."

Pareho na kaming nababasa ng ulan but I shook my head. "I don't think that's the right thing—"

"I will not be leaving you here, Valerie. Get in." Matiin niyang sabi.

"Javi, please. Just let me go." Pakiusap ko sa kanya, on the verge of tears. Hindi ko na kaya, maawa ka.

"No." Matigas niyang sabi. "I won't let you go, Valerie. Not again." Makahulugan niyang sabi.

I remain staring at his eyes nang biglang kumidlat at kumulog uli.

"Uy, si Gov ba yun?" I hear someone behind him point at us. Shit. Baka may makakita pa sa kanya.

I sigh and give up. "Let's go."

It's just for this night. Just tonight.

>>>>>

The ride was silent. Wala sa amin ang nagsasalita.

When we got to the rest house, he went upstairs quickly. Akala ko iiwan na niya ako sa sala dahil sa kaartehan ko kanina, but he quickly came downstairs with a pair of towels, a toiletry bag, and a pair of shirt and shorts.

"There's shower in the bathroom to your right. You can use this so you can get out of your wet clothes." Malamig niyang sabi and then went upstairs again.

When I got out of the shower, nakita ko siyang nagluluto sa kusina. Nakapagpalit na din siya at mukhang nakapagshower na.

Lumingon siya nung maramdamang nakalabas na ako. He stared at me for a while, and then went back to what he was doing.

Nung matapos siya, he brought two bowls of chicken noodle soup sa dining table. "Eat." He invited. I walked over and sat in front of him.

"Thank you." I say as soon as I sat down.

He ignored what I've said and continued eating.

"Have you called her?" I asked him. "You should tell her that you're just helping out someone by letting them stay at your house. I can vouch para di naman siya magdu—"

He looked up, meeting my eyes, and asked with a serious face. "What are you talking about?"

"Your girlfriend." I answer.

"Who?" He asks.

"You should tell your girlfriend that a friend from work is staying at home because wala lang siyang mapuntahan." Paliwanag ko. I was about to add more when he spoke again.

"What girlfriend are you talking about?"

Kailangan pa niya talaga ipabanggit sa ex niya ang pangalan ng present niya? "Yours. Margarette." I say a bit annoyed.

He laughed humorlessly. "Are you seriously jealous right now? I told you last time that we're friends."

I feel my cheeks burn. "I am not jealous. Concerned lang ako about what she will think kapag nalaman niya—"

"Stop this bullshit, Val. I told you that Marg and I are just friends." Galit niyang sabi. "Or you don't believe me again, do you?"

Ayan na naman. Uungkatin na naman niya ang nakaraan. I look away and stand up. Hindi ko na kaya, to.

"You running away again? Gaya ng pag-iwan mo sakin noon?" I hear him say.

Natigilan ako. Sumisikip ang dibdib ko. I'm not ready to talk about this. Never. I look up and meet his stare. His eyes are filled with anger. No. I can't.

I walk away and say. "Javi, please. I don't want to talk about it. It's behind us now. Stop bringing it up—"

"You told me you believed in me, Val." Sabi niya, bakas ang lungkot sa boses.

I froze. I feel him stand in front of me. I look up and meet his eyes. No more anger, just pain and sadness. My heart broke. Mas masakit na ganito. Na makitang ganito siya.

"Then, why did you leave?" He asked.

Tears are streaming down my face now.

He held one side of my face, wiping my tears away. "Bakit hindi ka naniwalang kaya kong harapin at tanggapin lahat? Na kaya din kitang protektahan?"

I stay silent. Unable to speak. Feeling every bit of me break apart.

"Bakit hindi ka naniwalang kaya kong tuparin ang mga pangarap ko at ang mahalin ka?"

Alam kong kaya mo, Javi. But you deserve better. So much better.

I shook my head and walked away from him, wiping my tears. "Javi, this is pointless. Nothing will—"

"I still love you." He says.

I whirl around and look at him.

"After five years and even with all the pain, I still love you, Valerie." He asks, stepping closer. "Tell me, what do I with it now? When everything in me still longs for you?"

I look at him and breathe. "Javi, I...I'm not the woman you deserve." Utal kong sabi amidst the tears.

"Tangina naman, shouldn't I be the one to decide that for myself?!" Galit niyang sabi, nangingilid ang mga luha.

"Javi. Listen. I... I'm not a good woman." Paliwanag ko. I was breathing hard this time. "I-I'm ruined. Tainted." Pag-amin ko.

Surprised and confused, he asked me. "What are you talking about?"

I sat down the couch, trying to calm my self.

I looked up at him, ready to admit everything, even if it meant I will lose the tiny shred of respect he has for me.

"I was raped."

>>>>>

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