Jurdan in the Mortal World

Burdens and Bargains

Something else is going on here. Madoc has something on the line. He's standing perfectly still, not moving an inch. Tell. I rack my brain. I know I'm going in to a trap.

"Do tell." 

"If you don't give me Taryn..." A malicious smile. "I will take Oak."

"No you won't."

Before he can speak, I push on. "So if I don't give Taryn, you'll take Oak. If I do give Taryn, you'll...take Taryn. It's lose lose."

"Yes it is, girl. But you don't have a choice."

The world spun. Once again, I was trapped by a lying, cruel faerie who gave bargains that could not be flipped to my advantage. But more importantly, once again, I am a novice, a little wretch who doesn't know the way of bargain and burden. Not a Faerie Queen. Not an aspiring soldier. But who I always become in front of Madoc. A little girl, parents killed, with a sulky older sister and a twin sister. A girl who has known nothing.

I look Madoc in the eye. "Yes, I do have a choice."

"And what is that?"

I take a deep breath. I don't think I can do this. "If you take Oak, I'll kill Oriana."

Madoc's eyes flit once again to Bryern, then shows a flash of fear at what he just heard. Eyes. Your tell. 

"So you're telling me...you're not going to give me Taryn. And on top of that, if I take Oak, you'll kill my innocent wife."

Nod.

He sneers. "Then. What is something you want?"

"Peace." The answer blurts out of my mouth and I curse myself, saying the truth to someone who wants to take my sister and will take my step-brother in punishment for refusal.

Madoc's voice drops deadly quiet. "You were always too...mortal for the Faerie world, Jude. Do not dare think yourself as someone outgrown of it. In your reign, Elfhame will not change in the slightest. They will not listen to you, will go on with their debauchery and bloodlust and gluttony. You live too short."

I keep my voice level. "Peace has no meaning to me. Peace...can be anything. But it is usually when things are harmonious. The Faerie can go on with their debaucheries and shit. If it means peace to them, I don't care."

A short nod from him keeps me going further.

"I did not know who I was when I came to Faerie. I could only define myself as mortal. That shell is gone. Not because I am not mortal, but because I am more than that, in ways not of power.

And peace...I do not mind what my subjects do to find harmony within themselves. I will reign over them with a loose leash, as long as there is limited suffering. Because I, again, am not my subjects. Neither am I Cardan's pet, nor wife, nor queen, nor equal."

He shows surprise at that.

"Neither am I Vivi's younger sister, or a girl aspiring for power and a soldier-existence, or the girl duped by her very own twin.

I am not my goods nor evils. I am just me, and only I get to decide what that means.

So by all means, if you want to reinforce the definition of "peace"  with me, go ahead. I am my own person. Not my subjects, not my love, not my past."

A corner of Madoc's mouth lifts in a half-crazy glint. "Then I suppose you can be my prisoner until you let me decide who you are."

He signals at Bryern, and in the time it takes for him to do that, I unsheathe a dagger and hold it up against his throat, holding him like a lover.

"Deja vu, my friend. But you might decide you don't want to kill me just yet."

He turns my head, and I see Cardan being held by his wrists in an iron-hold grip. A shudder almost escapes past my lips, but I don't let them. What I would never tell Madoc is the fact that I might be my own person. But there are certain people who helped me get there. Madoc wasn't signaling Bryern to attack me, but to pull Cardan out into my view. How he did it is beyond me.

"Let's sit down and have a chat." I am a bug caught in a spiderweb, a mouse caught in a trap. But a bug has wings, and a mouse has teeth.

(A/N: YOU GUYZZZ i did two updates in...3 hours?-because i got a hang on how this was going. so clearly, this isn't much of a fanfic anymore, because it extends the plot of the trilogy, but...i couldn't let Jude and her friends have a happy day at the amusement park, could i? nooooo. sorry for all the a/n's. i have finished all the books i want to read, so i might be here more often? i read all my text-notification-thingies. just a fyi. i feel so cringeyyy)