Memoirs

Part VI

On Ryan’s Wedding Day…

Michael just sat on the edge of his bed, unmoving. He hadn’t gone in the pool since the Olympics. It reminded him too much of Ryan. Running his fingers through his hair, Michael laughed humorlessly. What am I doing? I should be at Ryan’s wedding. I should be happy for him.

Michael had been telling himself every day as a last ditch attempt to console himself. It only made it worse. He felt empty without Ryan. That was all he knew. He started dating that Megan girl a while ago. Everything seemed okay…if staying apart more than being together is okay in a relationship. It was ironic. All Michael wanted was to be closer to Ryan, but they just went their separate ways in the end. He wondered if he’d ever see Ryan again. Every time he attempted to call, it went straight to the voicemail. When he texted, there’d be no answer. Michael, in all honesty, was sick of it.

The doorbell rang, distracting Michael for a while. Welcoming any distraction, Michael opened the door. A brunette stood outside the door with a bouquet of flowers in her hand.

“Hi, Mikey. Thought I’d just stop by and keep you company.” She just smiled, gently, holding out the flowers.

Graciously accepting them, Michael couldn’t help but think he didn’t deserve her.

“Megan, come in. Make yourself at home, I guess.” Michael wearily stepped aside and moved towards the kitchen to get them some soda or something to drink in general. He ended up getting a Dr. Pepper for himself and a can of lemonade for Megan. Walking back towards the couch where she sat, he placed the bouquet of flowers out of the way before sitting down and giving her the drink. Together, they opened the cans and a light fizz filled the silence.

“Mikey, you can stop pretending already.” Michael abruptly turned towards her, his mouth agape. Megan’s hands wrapped the soda even further and her grip became firmer.

“Listen. You don’t have to pretend you love me. As much as I want you to, it’s never going to happen, is it?”

“Megan, look. It’s not…” Michael stumbled when Megan placed a hand on his shoulder and just smiled at him. There wasn’t any accusation in her eyes.

“It’s not even that that’s been bothering me, though. Something’s been on your mind, and while I know that I shouldn’t feel any obligation to help, just know I’m always here to listen. Even though you don’t love me, I still just want you to be happy, Mikey.” The sincerity was overwhelming. He knew right there and then that he was going to need to spill. The least she deserved from him was the truth.

“It’s Ryan.” She looked up, confused. “Ryan’s been my best friend since we were kids, Meg. And…we became something more. At least, that’s what I thought. We kissed. We slept together. I thought it was real. I was ready to propose and everything.” Michael looked up at the ceiling, fighting back tears. He shed too many tears for Ryan already.

“But when I got there…you know what he told me? He said he was getting fucking married. He said that we were never best friends. He said that he never told me everything like I told him. He didn’t need to. I don’t even know what I did wrong. It’s so messed up. And I just got angry. We argued, and he just left. He walked out of my life. And I’m guessing forever. He won’t pick up. He won’t text,” Michael snickered dryly. “All this time. When I thought there was something real about us. I was really just trying to dream. I wanted there to be something from nothing. It never works that way in the end, I guess.”

Megan sat and rubbed soothing circles on Michael’s back.

“Michael, why did you get angry when he told you that he was getting angry?”

“Because I was in love with him, dammit.”

“If you’re in love with him, are you really willing to let him go that easily? You won’t even go after him and apologize or at least sort things out?”

“If he doesn’t want to, then I won’t either.” Megan sighed, frustrated at Michael’s stubborn behavior.

“Michael Fred Phelps II. Listen to me right now, you hear? As your girlfriend, I’m going to make one last request before we break up. Go find Ryan. Tell him you love him. At least sort things out with him. I want you to be happy, and I know you’ll never be happy if you don’t know where your relationship with him stands.” Megan then stood up, leaned down to kiss Michael on the cheek one last time before making her way to the door. Before she exited, though, Michael spoke two words.

“Thank you.” Megan hesitated for a moment before smiling and closing the door behind her gently.

Michael looked outside. It was still early in the morning. With careful planning, he might just be able to find a plane ride from Baltimore to Gainesville. No longer feeling dull or weary, Michael quickly took a shower and worked as fast as he could, gathering the stuff he needed in two suitcases and buying the ticket. On his way out, he grabbed a key off the kitchen counter.

It was Ryan’s spare key that he got when he stayed over for a few weeks about a year ago. Michael always forgot to return it. And he would always slap himself in the forehead when he comes home and finds the key still there. Now, for once, he was grateful for his forgetfulness.

It was around six in the evening when Michael arrived and opened the door to Ryan’s house. He forgot how refreshing Ryan’s scent was. He took just the moment to remember his smile and suck in as much of the scent as he could. Not knowing when Ryan would return home, Michael got to work as fast as he could afterwards. Placing his bags in the spare room that he could practically call his own, Michael opened one particular suitcase. It was filled with red roses.

Grabbing a handful, Michael to the front door and left a trail of roses leading to Ryan’s room. Inside Ryan’s room, Michael lit incense and dimmed the light before spreading rose petals throughout the floor and on the bed. Dressing up in a suit, Michael took extra care to make everything look perfect until he knew that he looked attractive. Taking a single rose, Michael had a sense of déjà vu. Shaking the feeling off, Michael half sat at the edge of the bed, clutching the rose close to his heart. He just hoped that everything would go right this time.

His heart was racing a million beats per second when he heard the front door open. There were about two footsteps in before there was a pause in Ryan’s footsteps. The steps started again and it was like Michael’s heart was synchronizing to every stride. The thumps moved closer and closer until Ryan opened the door.

When Ryan stepped in, Michael stared straight at him. The moment Ryan saw it was Michael who set the entire scene up, he looked like a deer in headlights. Michael simply smiled in his awkward way.

“Surprise.”