The Fall of Izaya Orihara

Chapter 19

Izaya's POV

My face felt like it was on fire. Everything felt like some weird fever dream. First he kisses me, and now he says he loves me?
I stared up at him, mouth agape, not sure how to respond. I was overwhelmed with pesky human emotions. He can't possibly love me, I'm more of a monster than he is. I claim to love all of humanity, but I can't even love myself. I can't even look in the mirror without wanting to jump off the roof of my building.
What gives him the right to love me, after all I've done. After all I've done to him.

"Liar." I stated, pulling away from his grip.
He raised a brow, confused and startled, "Wha-" "Liar!" I shouted growing angry, not wanting to play this game.
"Izaya, I'm not-" I cut him off again, "Don't you fucking dare lie to me like that, Shizuo Heiwajima!" I felt hot tears beginning to pool in my eyes, no longer caring if I seemed human to this monster. For years I wanted to be able to reach him, but I was always watching him from behind, not able to even reach my hand to his back.
Now it feels like he's turning around and waiting for me to catch up, which  makes me feel worse, like I'm holding him back.

"I'm a monster, Shizuo. A terrible excuse for a God or a human. You can't possibly love me!" I found myself screaming, rising to my feet. "All I've ever done is make things harder for you and for everyone! Nobody needs me or wants me! You have everything I never could. A family that actually loves you, and doesn't want to see you dead! Friends who care about you and would gladly fight by your side!" My knees wobbled as my voice grew hoarse, "I have nothing. I am nothing. And I don't deserve to be loved by someone as good as you." My emotions overwhelmed me as I fell to my knees, sobbing. I'm pathetic. If I saw myself like this I would have laughed at my own misery.

Shizuo's POV

I sat still for a moment, not knowing how to react to the Flea's sudden outburst. I couldn't help but remember something Shinra had told me long ago,

'People think of him like some cold-blooded monster, but he's more human than anyone I know; he's so fragile inside. If you pumped him full of love and betrayal and such, I think he'd fall apart. I think that's why he decided to love humanity by letting everything wash over him. Do you see what I'm saying? He accepts everything, but he doesn't take it in. He lets it wash over him.'

And now he's trying to take in all the feelings he'd avoided and deflected for so long, and he doesn't know how to handle it. His entire way of life has been crumbling away these past few months, and he doesn't know how to cope or deal with it. He's falling apart and doesn't have the experience to keep himself together.

I climb down from the bed, crouching down next to the sobbing Flea. I scoop him up in my arms, which only seems to make him cry harder. Each sob makes him gasp air, like a toddler after scraping their knee. I sit down, the smaller man still cradled in my arms. I rub his back gently, trying to soothe him, "Hey..hey...it's gonna be okay, you're okay...shhhhh"
He continued sobbing for a bit, and I try my best to comfort him. He quiets down after a while, hiccuping and sniffling. I wipe away his tears with a gentle thumb. His eyes are red and puffy, and I cup his cheek in my hand. "I do love you, Izaya. You're not a monster..." I press my forehead against his, circling my thumb on his cheek soothingly. He sighs heavily, calming down significantly. "I'm sorry..." He mumbled quietly, still a bit breathless.

Izaya's POV

I still felt overwhelmed by all these emotions, but somehow this monster made me feel like everything was going to be okay. I felt like I could let me guard down around him, as long as we weren't fighting. I wanted to get better, so that I could love him without worry. But I didn't know where to start, or how to get better. But with him, maybe I had a chance after all.
"I love you too..." I whispered, really hoping this wasn't some cruel joke.

Agh this whole story is so edgy oof
Basically using this story as an outlet for my feelings? I wish I had someone like Shizuo in this story, minus the constant fighting of course lol