I will always remember this day. It's strange how easily we remember the negative and hurt but not the small positive things that happen daily.
I guess it began when I was 6 weeks pregnant. Knowing I had lost my first angel baby in 2011, the fear of losing this baby took over me. I was having some mild cramping and had so much anxiety. I decided it was best to go to the Emergency Room to ensure everything was okay. It wasn't a long wait but it felt forever and the negative thoughts just consume your brain. The doctor came in and did some blood work. He returned with my results stating that my hormone levels were not correlating with my dates and he suspected I was having an early miscarriage. He suggested I undergo a bedside ultrasound. Another long wait. He returned with the machine and put the cold gel on my stomach and he searched every inch of my belly. All I could do at this moment was hold my breath, close my eyes and pray. The doctor never said a word during the exam and then he stopped searching for the baby and said he could not see the gestational sac let alone our little bean. He advised us that he was quite positive I was indeed having an early miscarriage but to come back in the morning at 9 am for a formal ultrasound. As Jason and I drove home that evening, holding hands with tears streaming down my face..I didn't know how I would possibly go through this again. We sat on the couch with no words to describe our fear and pain. A part of me was hanging on for hope that he was wrong. I managed to finally put myself to sleep and praying to see our healthy baby in the morning.
The next morning with a full bladder we headed back to the hospital for the ultrasound. Another long wait. They finally called my name and she let Jason come with me. I was telling her my story of the previous day and she immediately assured me the ER doctor should not have completed that ultrasound with me being so early pregnant. Laying on the bed again with tears streaming down my cheek she smiled at us and said: "I see the sac and the baby inside!" My heart nearly exploded outside of my chest. Jason held my hand and I continued to cry but these tears were of relief. Not only was our peanut seen but she was able to show us the heartbeat. I could not believe it! We were just on the most emotional rollercoaster in the past 24 hours. We left the hospital feeling so grateful for this blessing of a baby.
I continued to work and was feeling very nauseous and tired. I'd come home from work and barely make it to the kids' bedtime but all of those symptoms were blessings. We were so excited about our future. While at work I received a call from the Ultrasound Department stating that I needed to come in next week for a follow-up scan. She stated that I got lost in follow-up and it was just standard procedure. I was a little scared and became anxious but who doesn't want a glimpse of their baby bouncing around in their womb? I took the appointment and called Jason instantly. He reassured me it would be fine as well. I could not stop fearing that I was going to lose this baby.
October 23rd, 2019 came and it was the day for my appointment. I was going to have my scan during my lunch hour. Jason didn't think that he would be able to make it to this appointment. I insisted that he needed to be there with me and I can't do it alone. Thankfully my best friend Kari offered to stay with our kids so that he could accompany me at the appointment.
An hour before the scan I went to the bathroom at work and noticed I had some very faint streaks of blood when I wiped. (due to my previous loss, I looked every time I wiped)Now my fear really began to sink in..I still felt so nauseous though and my belly was growing! I couldn't wear any of my pants at this point. I was about 13 weeks pregnant. I convinced myself that I was overthinking it due to my past. We finally got to the ultrasound lab and it was full of other patients waiting. Once again another wait, but this time the wait was filled with light-hearted laughter and joking how badly I had to pee. My name was finally called and she refused to allow Jason to accompany me. He could come after they measure the baby and see the pictures at the end. I'm laying on the bed telling her our crazy rollercoaster that we have been on and then all of a sudden a look came across her face. She asked that I get undressed and we can do an internal scan, I asked if something was wrong..I'm almost 13 weeks pregnant and at this point, our baby would be big enough to see on the scan. She touched my arm and said, "I don't know for sure, let's not think the worst until we know." My heart shattered, I knew something was wrong. I was waiting to hear that beautiful sound of a heart beating but I was not going to get that. I was trying so hard to remain strong and have hope. She came back and took the pictures silently. Once she finished I could see it all over her face and the tone in her voice. She asked if I wanted my husband to join me while she goes and gets the radiologist. I nodded yes due to my inability to find words. He came into the room with no idea what was happening. I'm sure he thought he was coming in to see his beautiful baby and hear the heartbeat not his wife laying on the bed with tears pouring out. He looked at me and knew right away, It didn't have to be said, our baby was 11 weeks with no trace of a heartbeat. The only words I could group together were "I can't do this again!" Jason held me close and I could feel the love in his touch as well as the heartbreak, The radiologist came in and said what we already knew. I was to go home and see my family doctor in the morning.
