Please Don't Read This

Lucid Dreamer

Lucid dreamers are said to have full control over their cognitive functions during their sleep: they can reason with themselves,  remember their real life while dreaming and act according to their will, whether they choose to act spontaneously during their dreams or plan out what they want to do before going to sleep. They can live in a dreamlike world that seems surprisingly real, all while sleeping.

The nightmares started after a traumatic experience when I was 12. I had a few appointments with a therapist, but I didn't see the point in them. How will talking about my problems to a stranger help me forget what had happened to me? This therapist wasn't going to stop the bad dreams. And anyway, I don't like talking about myself and especially not about my problems. I'm terrible at asking for help, even when I need it most. I need to do everything myself. So I learnt how to control my dreams.  

I learnt pretty fast and I'm guessing it was thanks to the fact that I always remember my dreams, and I dream every night. Sometimes I can even remember multiple dreams that I have, one time I woke up with 5 fresh dreams in my head, and spent all morning trying to decipher them and put them in the right order. 

Or maybe I learnt so easily because even when I'm awake I spend more time in my head daydreaming than actually being present amongst people.

2012 

I didn't want to go to bed that night, or at least not alone. I wanted to ask my sister if I could sleep in her bed, but her boyfriend was round at the house so that was an obvious no. So I contended myself with asking my 4 year old brother if he wanted to sleep with me that night, but he preferred staying with the parents. 

Last night I had had the most terrible dream: me and my sister were in an abandoned castle, twilight flooded though the windows, dimly lighting the place. The full moon would soon reach the top of the sky and then, I'd be trapped in this place, lost, and searching for a place to hide in one of the very few unlocked doors, for my sister was soon going to transform into a terrifying bloodthirsty monster.

She wanted me to kill her so that when she transformed, she was sure that she wouldn't hurt me. But of course, I could never do that. Instead we walked in silence, listening to the sounds of our feet on the squeaky floorboards. Finally we came to an unlocked door and in it was a very narrow, circular cage that made me think of a human-sized bird cage. It was perfect to lock my sister in, and then I could find a place to hide too, for extra precaution. 

"I'll lock you in, and then go hide." I explained to my sister, but she wasn't looking at me. Her eyes were fixated on the moon which had now reached the middle of the night sky. The color in her eyes had disappeared, instead they were just black and empty, anything  far from human. Her fingers grew to twice their normal size, along with razor sharp pointy nails, her ears were big and animal-like, and her mouth start morphing into a muzzle. 

I couldn't keep watching, I didn't have much time now. I ran towards to the cage and tried to lock myself in, my hands were shaking so much it was nearly impossible and my sisters growling wasn't doing any favors to my nerves. I managed to turn the key just as the wolf noticed that I was also in the room. I gasped, dropped the key and flattened myself against the cage in order to be as far away from those long pointy nails which will soon start poking through the bars. And yet, when the wolf came up to cage, it didn't try to attack me. Instead it stared at me, and I stared back, petrified. Then it slowly looked up, as did I, and I saw what it was looking at. The cage had no roof, it was just an open entrance, and before I knew it the wolf was clambering into the cage with me, and I was trapped.      

I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep all alone in my room, so I didn't even try. I planned on reading all night, until the sun came up and then I'd be less scared and able to sleep. Books have always been my favorite refuge from reality, and are forever essential to me. However I didn't want to keep reading the book that I had already started, as it was the 3rd Harry Potter book and I'm guessing Professor Lupin's  own transformation had influenced my nightmare last night.