Love Of Lust

Chapter Fifteen

"Oh, yeah?" I stepped closer to him. "I'm so glad you raised that subject. How about treating me like a human being? And not trying to act like nothing ever happened between us?"

 He looked at me balefully. 

"Do you really want to have this conversation again?" 

"Yes," I said. "I really would. Because I'd like to know what the hell's wrong with you." 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he demanded. He stood up, a muscle in his jaw twitching. "Do you not understand what's happening here? Do you not see how hard this is?"

 For a moment, he looked crazed, his eyes darting from side to side as he searched for the right words. "Being near you, all the time...seeing you all the time...sleeping next to you...God damn it, Becky. Are you really that self-absorbed? Are you really that selfish?" 

I recoiled. His words stung; I wanted to insist that I didn't know what he was talking about, but of course I did. 

"I'm so sorry," I said, at last, very quietly. I could hear my voice shaking. "I didn't realize that I was twisting your arm." I felt furious, but to my utter humiliation, it was expressing itself in the form of hot tears leaking out of the corners of my eyes and sliding down my face. 

"That's not what I said." Riad looked utterly defeated, slumping back down on one of the bar stools. "You know that's not what I said." 

"No, I'm sorry, you just said I was selfish. And self-absorbed." My voice was thick from crying, and I hated the sound of it. "That's a whole lot better."

 "I'm sorry," he said, not sounding particularly apologetic. "But you know what I mean." 

"Yeah, sure. Fine." I was done with this whole conversation - I wasn't going to stand there and stare at his stupid unreadable expression while I blubbered like a stupid baby. It was humiliating. I turned to go upstairs, and to my mortification, he followed me. 

"Can you just leave me alone?" I didn't sound quite as authoritative as I'd hoped, between sniffles. 

"Not until you agree to stop toying with me," he said, flatly. Wait a minute - I was toying with him? Okay, that was rich. 

"Sure," I said, dripping sarcasm. "I'll make sure to get right on that." I opened the top drawer of the bureau, rifling through it for something - anything - just to look busy so I didn't have to make eye contact with him.

 "I mean it, Becky," he said. "We can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this." I whirled on him, with a handful of jewelry clutched in my fist. I had no idea what I was even in my jewelry box in the first place.

 "Okay, fine! Fuck!" I shouted. "I'll leave you the hell alone! As God is my witness, I'll never shimmy my ass in front of you again!" He winced, a little. Good.

 "I'm sorry," he said, again. This time he sounded like he might mean it, a little. "If I led you on." Oh, good, the classic "if" apology.

 Hardly an apology at all. I could feel my lip curling up into an actual snarl; I couldn't remember ever feeling this angry in my life. 

"Oh, you mean the incredibly thoughtful honeymoon?" My tone was venomous. I hardly recognized my own voice. "All those little presents? The car, the clothes, all that shit? Everything you'd give to a woman you actually loved? Well, you can keep them, Riri. I don't give a shit!" 

I hurled whatever was in my hand in his general direction. He dodged, and something winged his ear; when they hit the opposite wall I realized it was one of the very first things he'd bought for me - the necklace and earrings to go with my blue dress, the ones I'd loved so much, now sitting in a heap on the carpet. The buzzer went off downstairs.