One Month

21. I don't care

All I could do to numb myself was smoke. I rolled a big one in the morning that helped with my crying. I rolled another one midday that helped me ignore my headache and calm my thinking. I rolled another one a while ago that helped me numb myself completely. My head is extremely heavy at this point and my limbs are sinking into my mattress further and further. Or at least it feels like it.

I look out the window realising it's after sundown. Aaron is home, I heard him get in his room a few hours ago and I'm guessing he's still in there.

Why does he get to come into my life like this and add to the weight on my head? Why are his presence and his behaviour generating so many questions that I can't answer by myself? And why the hell am I feeling this way about him? A while ago he had a very simple role in my life, now he's more complicated than ever. It was so much easier when I hated him. Now I can't, even though I want to.

I keep hiding and suppressing my feelings for him that he tricked me into having. If he hadn't acted like my friend and been nice to me, even for this little period of time, I wouldn't have had this confusion inside me. There's no point in denying any of it now, I am way past this stage.

What harm would it do if I gave in, just a little? If there's any moment in my life that I need something to feel good it's today. I don't think I even care anymore. I should do what I want to do. I'm so tired of putting any energy into pushing back the will.

I push myself up with more effort than usual and drag myself across the room and open the door to the bathroom. If I were to stop and look myself in the mirror all fucked up maybe I'd turn back around but I have no such intention. I cross the bathroom and open the door to his room and step inside.

I shut the door behind me with my back when I see him lying on my mother's double bed, his torso bare and his boxers visible from his grey sweatpants. He stands up once he sees me puting his phone aside that he was until then using.

"Vic." He speaks seemingly surprised to see me standing there.

I approach him slowly given my state. I'm so fucking high it's difficult for me to fully understand that I am in fact there.

"I'm sorry about everyhting I-" he speaks but hes cut off by me once my lips crush onto his. He's taken aback by my actions but he doesn't pull away, insted he responds and leans in deepening our kiss. His hands snake on my cheeks and mingle with my hair as he holds my face close to his.

I feel him over his sweats which instantly causes him to cease our moment and push me slightly away to better look at me.

"What are you doing?" He speaks startled, or rather unexpecting of this turn of events.

"I need this." I say unsure of why or how I am even able to speak at this point.

"You're high." He points out only now realising it himself, looking into my bloodshot hooded eyes, yet I only shrug.

"So?" I say bluntly and he shakes his head.

"No, we are not doing this, not like this." He states and even though I can process very little of my surroundings I am kind of hurt by his rejection that makes me feel a weight on my chest for a moment.

"But this is what you do. What's wrong with me being another girl in the pile?" I pout already moving towards him once again. Without waiting for him to reply I drop down on my knees and pull his sweats and boxers down with me.

"Vic don't-" he protests yet he goes silent ceasing his objections once I take him in hand and run my tongue across his length starting from the bottom and ending on his tip, then taking him whole in my mouth. He grunts as I move around him a short while pushing my tongue against him with each stroke, his hand is then placed gently on my head until I eventually stand up removing my top and remaining bare naked from the waist up. He grabs my hands that are still holding my t-shirt, immobilising them, and forces me to make eye contact with him.