They Don't Limit My Love

Intro

Dear someone who read this,

        Recently, he  was  struggling with his sexual orientation. he speculates that he is gay for a long time ago. He just thought about coming out as gay next year when he get ready. he wants it to be so viral. So he is learning how to vlog .
 He wants to post himself coming out on YouTube.I hope I have someone to hear my issue. I am afraid. Honestly, I am. I cannot tell my parents this because I don't want to disappoint them. I couldn't even tell my Ustaz(religious teacher) because I may let him down and also because he truly believes me that I am just okay. I couldn't even tell my peers because I am worried that maybe I will become the class clown.
        ''O Lord! I am seriously fucking stressed right now. I feel the pain. I always wanted to end myself. As my life is just like a piece of nylon rope. Only waiting to be cut''. I did tell my Ustaz about why I self-harming myself two years ago. I told him that I had family issues. I was telling him that my dad was the bad guy. Well, it is true but it wasn't just that. There is a lot more to be discussed. I can not fight my temptation to... I can't spill any more tea. I am done with it. I am gay, but I don't think I'm proud of it.
        The reason why I believe that I am gay is that I always watch porn. But not the usual teenagers would watch. I watch gay porn. I don't know why I enjoy watching two penises in one video. I don't like to see vags. I think those pussies are awful. "Eww..."
Or maybe I just being curious because the whole gay stuff is not acceptable in where I am now...Malaysia.
        I also feel uncomfortable when one of my friends starts opening his story about boobs or female bodies. I know it is abnormal when you think about my situation. It feels weird when I watch that 'normal' heterosexual porn...with penis, pussy, and boobs. The impulses in my neurons don't get right into my brain and the testosterone hormones doing zero. My penis barely react. But it is different when I watch gay porn.
         You probably just say, "Why you don't want to come out of the closet?" Well, all I can say, "I can't because I am a Muslim and my community is not okay with the whole LGBTQ thing. Most folks think that gay is disgusting and the law in Malaysia is kinda strict. People who caught sodomizing will be put inside the jail. And I don't want to be there.
         Sometimes I pray to God that I want to be normal like I used to be. but sometimes I am afraid to leave 'gayness' behind because I may miss it when it's gone. I need changes. It is important for everyone who is breathing now.
          I just don't have a place, to tell the truth.so it seems like I am going to be gay my entire life! But indeed, I am afraid of Lord's punishments.Gays deserve hard torture in hell. I don't want to end up in hell with those ugly faces.
         I did find a web where we can tell our dilemma on our social orientation which called 'trevorproject.org'. At first, I thought that it's super helpful. But turns out, the website actually encouraging queer or questioning kids to come out.

        Wish I have someone to share my thoughts.I truly need someone to hear me.I have no one.I am shy and afraid of people's judgement onto me.