𝐈'𝐌 𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐄 | changlix

i'll

[ present ]

changbin never realized how quickly people could change in just a few years until he saw his own reflection. he couldn't even recognize himself. last year, he would've been up bright and early in the morning to buy a delicious breakfast consisting of pancakes and a chocolate frappe from starbucks for... him. he would have at least tried to dress moderately fashionable, with a tucked shirt and skinny jeans, and a coat for good measure, although he wasn't the most up-to-date person when it came to 'trendy looks' or decent outfits nowadays. he would have woken up with with the biggest, cheesiest smile, feeling warm and fuzzy and complete. he used to be so determined to do these things, way back when. but now, he only wants to survive the day and the dragon lady boss. 

now, he wears identical, plain outfits almost every passing day. he no longer bothers to look fashionable. black shirt, black pants; it's all that his wardrobe holds. now, he keeps the blinds closed and wakes up with regrets in a big, cold bed. he doesn't feel like getting out of bed anymore, let alone get himself a decent first meal of the day. he even skips breakfast sometimes for the simple reason that he can't force himself to move to do even the smallest of things. 

"h-hyunjin.. i have a boyfriend."

"you don't love him, do you?"

changbin tried to continue attending university, but he couldn't even focus on that; this was so much more than a broken heart. he couldn't keep his eyes up on the board and he always felt overwhelmingly tired or sad. it had gotten to the point where he was so unmotivated to work that he dropped his courses and decided to just take on part time jobs that provide him with enough money for essentials. the money covered his public transport fees, his bills and his netflix account, which was also a huge part of why he hardly went outside anymore. 

he's been ashamed of himself for letting a man he once loved haunt him so badly that he could not carry on with his own education. somehow, he's managed to shut the whole world out of his life, including his friends. most of them went their own ways with their partners and whatnot, or they had constant arguments with changbin that they eventually drifted apart. a lot of the arguments were caused by said man's mood or attitude and refusal of their help. he believed he dug his own grave far too deep for any living being to help him. of course, everyone but one had moved on. minho had been the longest to stay by his side and have faith in him. he was always there for him, night and day, every second, checking up on him despite changbin's declines. if he were to be honest with himself, he felt thankful that no matter how much he'd insisted for minho to leave him alone, he did not.

"i do love him."

but of course, the outcome of their friendship had ended up like all the others. it was only a year after the incident that minho found himself a lover. things started to change between he and changbin around that time. 

changbin found himself getting.. jealous of their relationship. he thought felix would always be with him. he thought minho would always be there for him. but he thought that the right thing to do was to let his best friend go; he soon wouldn't have time to comfort changbin at ungodly hours, and would instead be spending those early mornings with the love of his life. he wouldn't have time to babysit changbin because he would need to put all his time, effort and love into his relationship. he only felt that if he were the one who broke things off with minho, it would hurt less. the thought, maybe it wouldn't hurt as much as seeing him slowly fade. maybe it would hurt less when he saw and heard his coldness when he'd gotten sick of trying to encourage a fully grown man.

he stared at the man he'd become with tears glazing over his chocolate brown eyes. in the mirror, it would seem that his eyes were almost grey and stripped of hope. he'd felt so much pain that he couldn't feel it anymore. changbin let the millions of tears fall from his eyes that he had been holding in and bottling up fall this time. he was completely alone and he had no one else but himself to blame for it. had he been straight, his parents would still love him. had he been less ugly, felix would not have left him. if felix hadn't left him and he weren't so selfish, he would still have his best friend, minho. and everyone single person who knew of his tragically and pathetic life loves to watch him be living proof of terrible butterfly effects. one after another, every mishap in his life that has fallen into his lap was caused by the last mistake he'd made.

maybe if i were not myself, he thought, people would love me. i would love myself. 

"changbin..?"

luckily, before he could waste anymore time feeling only pity and sorrow for himself, the unbearably irksome alarm clock of his began blaring loudly from behind him, making the man jump slightly from the unexpected sound. the moment he hear it, he knew he was going to be late if he stood there any longer, looking at something broken that cannot be fixed or loved. he opened the mirror cabinet and grabbed a paracetamol for the enormous headache he's managed to get by staying up nightly, months on end, binge watching perfect high school sweethearts' love lives.

he threw on a simple jacket and slipped his shoes on, grabbing his wallet and stone cold phone that had been sitting on his bedside table, tucking them away into the pockets of his jeans. when he walked into his living room, it almost made his heart ache at the sight of the gloomy, chilly and empty area; he never thought he'd come to this point. "i guess this is what it feels like to be on the dark side of the moon," he muttered with a heavy heart and sighed. "since there's no more sunshine in here."

making his way out the door, he became instantly annoyed by the snow. he hadn't the slightest clue why it annoyed him, but it did. he could almost imagine what felix's reaction would be. he'd be so ecstatic to see the wondrous snowflakes, jumping around and telling changbin that it's beautiful. he would just stand there, watching him with a smile on his face, knowing that with him in the picture, it sure is beautiful. changbin almost smiled at the thought of it, but continued to make his way to the bus stop. there, stood another person, wrapped in a bundle of clothing, with many tissues. when they sneezed, he'd assumed she was sick. checking his phone, his eyes widened when he saw the time. "shit, i'm late." he couldn't wait for the bus.

changbin instantly began running around the corner. his workplace was a bit far, but he didn't want to lose his job. it took him a while to get to the shopping center and it was surely packed. "excuse me, sorry." was all he had to say to the people he pushed past repeatedly. suddenly, someone had run into him; literally. the force had been so strong that when their head hit his chest, changbin fell backwards. "watch it!" he yelled angrily, about to shove the person off. but before he could, he froze.

"f-felix..?"

"changbin.."

changbin continued to shove him off, watching as another person approached him. "felix, are you okay!?" 

"i'm fine, hyunjin." all that changbin could do was look at the younger with anger and disgust before running off again, determined to get to work on time. 

"w-wait! bin!"