This is it. I don't want to anymore. It's not worth it, not worth the things that i'm feeling. I meandered upstairs. A mindless husk, feeling nothing. Empty, hollow. I wanted it gone. All the pain i've endured. The slaughtering of my sanity. The culling of my innocence. The birth of a destructive force. The beginning of the end. All the times I had come home with broken glasses, a bruise on my face a little blood in my mouth. My soul as shattered as my dignity. Self esteem stripped away like a child from its mother. The times i've tripped. Eaten sand dirt gravel. Maybe even a bit of fire hydrant but who knows. The school doesn't. To come home to a broken house. My mom is just tired I told myself. She's just tired and maybe as she's passed out on the floor she'll get the sleep she needs. Maybe her and Him will stop yelling if she gets the sleep she needs. She's just tired, and I just hit my face on a door that's all. Maybe if she sleeps she'll stop treating me this way. She'll spare my sister. I'm trying hard in school mom I promise, I'm just a little distracted. Honor roll, won't come this year I'm just a little too distracted to get good grades. It's a little distracting when you're getting beaten outside on the playground, in the bathrooms, the halls. I'm being bullied. So what the teachers would say. A slap on the wrist that'll fix them right up. Every time my name is called the classes laugh. Everytime i'm alone am I really? No. They're just around the corner, waiting like a cat to pounce on a mouse, only to me the cat is 5' 6" and has 3 buddies with him. Relentless is an understatement. I walk into my garage, grab the beautiful blue green rope which we had for some reason. I can tie the knot from memory now. I grab the foldable chair and swing the rope over the rafters. I stand on the chair and slip my head through the hole. This isn't so hard. The memories flowing through my head. I'm willing to take the plunge, to pay the ultimate price, to end the suffering going through my body. Was there any other way of life? I kick the chair. The beams support my weight nicely. This is the end. I drop limp. As soon as I do a movie plays. It's my life through the lens of a happier kid. Hanging after school with friends, playing with my mom. Game nights with pizza, movies. The nights we'd cuddle up and watch our favorite show. The days when I would go to the park with my friends and play with nerf guns, do parkour, endless imagination. I reached up and grabbed the rope. I pulled myself out and fell on my back, crying, out of breath, wanting a hug. Life is not so bad I guess.
