“When you try your best but you don't succeed”
I. Am. Tired.
And I can't even remember how many times have these words helplessly ricocheted inside my head for years, and it is starting to lose its meaning now, like how things around me seem to whirl and lose their sense of reality, spinning around in different shapes.
For a while, my lips start to curve but not in joy nor in sadness, but to mirror the gentle bend of the fading lines. The girl then smiles back at me which turns out to be my reflection that has now brought me back to the present.
That is when I realized that I was spacing out for hours and with a heavy heart and chaotic mind, I had absent-mindedly hailed a bus bound to unknown.
“When you get what you want but not what you need”
I wear my earpods to help me shut and overwhelm the noise off my head, because the songs are starting to offer more comfort than the reality.
“Fix You” by Coldplay is currently playing, and here I am like a starving baby that needs a mother to feed and nurture her, my unruly emotions find its home in the melody it is hearing.
Coldplay speaks the words I can't say, the rhythm I can't ensemble and the melody I can't provide harmony for.
I lean my head on the window glass and let the music lull my exhausted soul in this distressful and dark woods I was brought forth in.
“When you feel so tired but you can't sleep.”
Can someone save me?
Can someone, even just one person, in this whole wide universe, understand the words I can't utter, the pain I have been trying to bury deep down in my memory?
Please tell me why do we get so tired and worn out just by staying alive, waiting for a glimpse of hope to come, to lend a hand, to offer an embrace with comforting warmth, and make us realize that we’re just waiting in vain.
Can someone hear me wailing, screaming these words?
I have alighted from the bus, still with no exact location or specific direction at all. Direction, anyway, is such an extravagant thing to afford now, a sneaky fellow that is hard to chase and hunt.
All I need is a place to rest, a corner I can mark my own.
“Stuck in reverse…”
My feet now brought me to the place I was seeking. A long, unknown alley, bathing in darkness… soaking in silence.
A perfect place to vent my rage and despair.
I could hear my own footsteps as I groped my way through my perfect haven.
But after some time, my footsteps began to grow in number, or a little echo might have been created in the midst of the deafening silence, I would comfort myself.
But no matter how much I tried to make myself believe with the lies I've been telling to myself, like I was so used to do for years, I knew this time was different.
I knew something was wrong.
Only when some cloth was forcibly pressed against my nose and mouth did I realize that some stranger had been following me and saw my seclusion as a perfect chance to perform infuriating and horrible act I would never imagine to ever happen to me, until this day.
With all my might, I tried to free from the arms that have now wrapped me around.
