As much as I want to be in love, I am still afraid. I dream of the perfect person that will make me forget about the troubles of life. The person that will make me feel myself.
I am afraid that my ghosts will continue to haunt me. Just when I think I am ready to be happy and open to forever, they will pop into my head and fill me with guilt.
Whenever I read my ghosts old blog from almost ten years ago, I know exactly what he was writing about. I can see it. I can feel it. I remember the memory that overtook his mind that day. I have written about the day myself. It prompted an entire story.
I say story but it's almost all true. A small spark of hope that he will come to find me and say everything I have wanted to hear for 15 years. It'd be a lie if I said I don't remember every detail. That remembering our times together doesn't still give me butterflies and then make me cry.
The laughter, the tears, the pain. I would do it all again. My only desire would be to change how scared we were. To give ourselves fully to each other earlier in our lives to prevent the heartache that followed.
But...just as much as I was then..I'm still afraid to fall.
