Surviving

"happy"

I've never felt comfortable around people. I've seriously never felt comfortable around the opposite sex.

I mean, who would when you resembled me? At least that's what went through my head on a daily.

Any time a guy showed attraction to me I automatically would think the worst. That he was either going to prank me, make me feel some type of way and maybe break my heart.

I mean it made sense since I avoided people like they had the plague.

My other fear was that they just wanted to get in my pants. It was well known that I was a virgin since I didn't fuck with people like that.

But that didnt matter, I was free to be me, and free to not associate with people as I saw fit.

Years went by and I regressed then progressed. Now I was able to hold conversations with people without freezing up, no matter their gender...as long as I felt no threat to my psyche. As long as they didnt seem as they liked me.

Because again, in my mind anyone who liked me - even remotely - were a threat to my mental stability. That didn't mean I couldn't have guy friends...I already did. But anything stronger was a no go.

And God forbid, anybody touched me. It took weeks for me to accept random ass hugs from my friends now, lol....as I think about it - it was quite comical.

But things started to progress. My friend set me up with a guy, I didn't know. But he was cool. All we did was talk and make jokes. So I let him come over again...and it went south.

I wish I had a time machine. He knew that I didn't want this, because we had several conversations about it. And now, now I am stuck playing this loop in my head on an infinite time reel.  Waiting for this damned movie .... this nightmare to end. So I can wake up. 

Wishing that I had a time machine, that I could forget, so I could sit in silence without this moment in time echoing in my brain. Replaying and replaying.

Yet...does this mean I'm clinically depressed, a little bit of PTSD, traumatized, if I go to a doctor - give them my reasoning for hiding anywhere but the one place I used to feel safe since the memories have tainted my once happy little abode will they clinically diagnose me?

Shove pills down my throat like a lab rat and wait to see what happens?

...even now as I write this and bleed profusely from my vagina with tear filled eyes as I stare at the sky and thank the lord that I did not have to provide my mother with a reason to go to jail for murder. That I can keep this secret for at least a few years longer.  I know that this is a lesson hard learned but scarcely received...

So now. I will avoid the world, forcefully blend myself into the background and know that there is no way around this struggle other than through the thick of it. I'll walk my stance with a smile until I can actually feel the happiness that has left my spirit.  I will hide the numbness in my soul and avoid those with keen eyes. I will be "happy".

- anonymous.