I feel like there's just a pit in the bottom of my stomach, ripping and tearing at the lining as I pretend that I don't care. As if seeing you walking down the street or driving with the boys doesn't wrench at my gut. I told my family that you had ended it as soon as soon as it happened because I didn't want to risk hearing your name being thrown at me in a teasing manner. It would just make me long for you in a way I cannot have you. I'll stare up at the ceiling and not be able to find the right words to throw back, chocking on the thought of you.
I haven't cried about you, though. I think that's a good thing, perhaps. Maybe I'm stronger than my demons, or maybe I simply have nothing left in my body that can help the tears out of my eyes. I just assumed you'd be the boy that would make me feel real emotions, but I simply feel the same gritted teeth and snarky glares remerging. The same features that I had before you came along. It makes me wonder if I'm a sociopath or something like that. I just don't understand why my body is basically refusing to let me get over you. I guess that's why I'm writing this in a last stitch effort to feel something more than hatred for you.
Listen, when you told me how much you loved me, then proceeded to break the very person you claimed to love a couple of moments later, you fucked me up a little bit. That made my cheeks grow extremely warm and my body began to shake. When I get nervous I shake like a leaf and I get a really panicked expression on my face, so I left you alone at the quarry to think about what had just become of us. The nervousness quickly turned to pure, unbridled rage as I called my best friend on the phone, slurs and profanities flowing from my mouth like the undoubtable second language I tended to speak.
Now, if you want to break up with me, I want everyone to know that I will be hurt and pissed off at first, but I'll get over it. Give me time and I can get over it. It's not like I tend to get overly attached to most people anyways. But you're bitch ass blocked me. And that's what sent me over the edge. The simple anger was not enough, I needed to have fucking revenge. How could you tell someone all of your dark little secrets then proceed to block them? Now, I know I didn't deserve that. There wasn't much I could do, other than accept it at the time, since it was Christmas break. But oh, I was going to have my time in the sun once school came back in session.
You may not have thought that I was the prettiest girl in town or the smartest or the nicest, but you saw something in me that I couldn't quite figure out. And obviously I saw something in your broken way of seeing the world, otherwise I wouldn't be having such a hard time getting over you. It was probably how hard you made me laugh. Actually, not even probably, that's exactly what it was. And right now I'm thinking about how much I'm going to miss your stupid jokes and voices and the way that you double check to make sure I'm laughing and even the way your face glows when you look at me. But baby, now the only way I want to see your face glowing is when it's red from the punches that my best friends are going to throw at you.
Before I started thinking about your stupid laugh, I was talking about my sweet, sweet revenge. And by golly, it's evil and twisted, just like me. Now I knew before I started dating you that most of the town hates you and I can't really blame them for that anymore. It makes my life a little easier, though, because I got some big tough boys for friends, who aren't afraid to throw a punch. So, if you didn't want to hurt me at the beginning of the relationship, these boys are more than willing to hurt you at the end of it. They told me from the start that you were a greasy boy from the wrong side of town and I ignored them, but they won't ignore me now, not after all the shit you pulled.
I feel angrier now than I did when I first started writing this, so I guess I'll smoke a cigarette and try and calm myself down. I wish I didn't rely on smoke and tar as heavily as I do, but I really don't know what else is going to calm my shaking nerves and racing heart when I used to talk to you about this shit. But I'll survive. I always do.
