Externalizing [mxm]

Chapter 13

“What do you mean by that?”

Marc gave her an owl-eyed stare for a while. “It—“ shit, he hadn’t even gotten this far with Brendan. “His name was Lucas.”

Dr. Sterling nodded and waited for him to say more. Marc wasn’t sure there was much more to it though. “I think I did anyways. But then my dad would always go on these rants about those kinds of things, and then he would… hit me, so it was always a huge no in my mind. And then Whitney showed an interest in me and I went with it.” Since then he’d been very careful to not think about another guy that way.

“What do you feel like when you’re with Brendan, then?” she asked.

Marc had to think about that. “Awkward sometimes. He has a sense of humor that sometimes goes over my head. But other times…” Was he allowed to say what Brendan had told him? “His parents sent him to those gay-to-straight camps when he was in high school. He doesn’t really talk about the details, but I’m pretty sure he got abused there too… so in a way, there’s an understanding with him.” Marc shrugged again, because he wasn’t sure how to phrase it really.

Dr. Sterling nodded. “So you’re comfortable with him?”

“He made me come out of my shell a little,” Marc went on. “I didn’t spend time with anyone except Ariel until he kind of made me. Since then I’ve been a little more open to spending time with people, like sometimes my co-workers and the mom of one of Ariel’s friends. It’s not a long list, but…”

“Quality over quantity, right?” Dr. Sterling chimed in with a smile.

“That’s what Brendan was saying once,” Marc remembered. “but about Ariel. She only has a few friends too.”

“You should try getting to know Brendan more, then. Talking with him,” she encouraged.

“I did, actually.” Marc was proud of himself for it. “He talked a little bit about high school and his parents. But I think in reality he’s just as closed off about it as I am sometimes. He first told me what happened in general, but he doesn’t really talk about the details. He keeps those to himself.” Marc wasn’t sure if it was an equal trade thing anymore, because he was sure he’d shared more at this point with Brendan—or at least Brendan understood more of him—than Marc did about Brendan.

“But you don’t think you’d be open to seeking a relationship with him?” Dr. Sterling asked. “It could be good for you.”

Marc only swallowed hard. “I wouldn’t even know what to do.” His marriage had ended in divorce, so what could he even know about dating?

“Sometimes things don’t have to change. Sometimes it could be that everything you have in a friend is also everything you might want in a partner,” she explained. “The support, the understanding… it just has a little something more special to it then.”

“It would go so terribly,” Marc forced a laugh, sinking down in the seat. “He’d look at me and probably say something like ‘it’s supposed to be the other way around, the gay guy falling for the straight friend,’ ” Marc theorized out loud. Though at this point it didn’t really make him straight then, did it? It had been one little maybe-crush in high school.

“You think he couldn’t be interested in you?” Dr. Sterling tried.

“He’s going on dates with people. And like I said, I don’t get that vibe off of him really.” Not that Marc was any good with ‘vibes’ about people.

“Not everything is so easy, there’s a lot of grey area with feelings. Just because he’s going on dates doesn’t mean that he might not feel at least something for you, or he could be avoiding it because he doesn’t think it could happen,” she sounded like she could go on.

“Or it could be that I’m not his type, or who even knows. I’m not just going to go assuming he likes me because he’s gay.” Brendan would get upset over something like that.

“Put some feelers out there,” Dr. Sterling suggested. “Test the waters, maybe drop some hints and see what happens.”

“I don’t even know if I’d be ready for something like that. I don’t know how to be gay,” Marc groaned.

“You don’t have to be anything. Just focus on the person. If you think you want to be with Brendan, focus on that. He sounds like he could help you through a lot of it too. Just try talking to him about it.”

It was a lot easier said than done, in Marc’s mind. He wasn’t even sure how to bring things up sometimes.

They finished up the session shortly after, and Marc left her office. Hell, Brendan still didn’t know he was going to counseling yet—much less admitting to maybe coming out in some way.

He didn’t even see why things had to change—couldn’t they just stay as they were? Aside from the fact he really hoped that Brendan hadn’t been on too many more dates… and shit, that probably said enough right there.