Externalizing [mxm]

Chapter 8

“I don’t need that,” Marc protested. “They don’t actually do any good.”

“And who told you that? Your dad?” Brendan challenged him. “I went through counseling the entire time I was at university. I wouldn’t be myself today if it wasn’t for that. I would still feel ashamed of myself, and wouldn’t be willing to open up to others at all. They’re going to be a lot better at helping you through sorting everything out than anyone else.”

“Why can’t you just do it then, if you have so much experience?” Marc grumbled sourly.

Brendan chuckled. “Not the same thing, sorry. But, look. If you want, I can tag along for the first meeting or something, so that you’re more comfortable.”

Marc frowned and inspected Brendan carefully. “I don’t know the first thing about looking into that.” Aside from the fact that if his dad found out, Marc would be called weak, but in much cruder words.

“I’ll do some research,” Brendan promised. “But you have to cut your dad away from Ariel. No one is going to know better than you what he could do to her.”

Marc clenched his jaw again and shut his eyes. He’d like to think that maybe his dad had something against hitting girls, but if he thought it was disciplinary, he might not. Marc knew Ariel would have been hit for spilling anything on the carpet if he had been around. Marc couldn’t even make himself get angry at her for it then.

“You’re trying your best,” Brendan chimed in again, his voice soft. “If you have any doubts about yourself as a parent… that happens. But you’ve been trying your best to keep her safe, and that’s important.”

Marc cracked open his eyes again, slightly off-set by the desperate look on Brendan’s face. Even talking about his past with the camps, Brendan had kept a mostly straight face.

“She doesn’t even know. She’s going to think she did something wrong again,” Marc croaked. “Just when I was getting her to open up again after her mom leaving.”

“Ariel is a kid, but she has some level of understanding. You might have to sit her down and tell her that her grandfather isn’t allowed to be around her, and put it in basic terms of him being mean, or something like that. And when she’s older you can tell her more.”

“I could barely tell you,” Marc huffed. “Much less Ariel—having to explain it to her.”

“I’ll help,” Brendan said firmly. “You’re my friend, and fuck your dad—and fuck if he goes near Ariel again.”

They both jumped as there was a knock at the door. “Not right now, Blueberry!” Brendan snapped towards the door, and that’s when Marc realized how wound up Brendan was.

There was a muffled sorry as his roommate simply announced she was leaving for work. Brendan crawled off the bed, swearing as he cracked open his bedroom door and apologized. He shut the door again and paced back and forth a few times. “Fuck,” he hissed, running his fingers back through his hair. “It’s like I can’t ever get away from shit like this.”

“Sorry for bringing this up to you,” Marc muttered.

Brendan turned quickly. “That’s not what I meant,” he said quickly. “It’s just frustrating knowing that people go through this. It’s like it never really ends.” He smiled tightly. “Like if I met your dad, he’d probably beat the shit out of me too.”

His hands were shaking as he went through the top drawer of his dresser, pulling out a partially crushed pack of cigarettes and a lighter. “Don’t tell Blueberry or she’ll kill me,” Brendan warned, pulling out a stick and hanging it between his lips as he lit it. He took a long drag and exhaled towards the window, before realizing it was closed.

He swore and pushed open the window, aiming the smoke towards it every once and a while. He sat along the windowsill, with his knees pulled up so that he could have his feet up. “Even though I got picked on in high school, I liked it,” Brendan said, off topic. “Because it still wasn’t home. Home was a trap, but I could leave school. School still had a few friends that I could talk to. And when school was over, well, it was summer camps.” He shrugged stiffly.

“School was away from him, too,” Marc agreed. “You were probably a little more brave than I was. If I got in trouble, and he heard about it, then it was even worse than whatever the school might do.”

Brendon nodded, still staring out of the window and smoking his cigarette. Marc was curious about hearing more from Brendan, but he didn’t want to ask.

Brendan finished his cigarette and had seemed to calm down then. He put the rest of the pack into its hiding place with the lighter and sat back on the bed with a long sigh. “Well look at it this way,” Brendan began. “We can be fucked up together.” He laughed slightly, and Marc snorted as he forced a meager laugh too.