The Potter Twins and the Deathly Hallows {7}

21. Tell Me How

"That's how Lucius Malfoy knew it was you when we left Privet Drive," she continues. "I thought after everything that happened last year you would stop wearing it, and then George came along..."

I think of the enchanted rose statched away in my rucksack, of how sincere George's confession was. I just thought I could say something, tell you what a rare and wonderful thing you are to find in such dark times...

"You never told me what happened the night of the wedding."

"I don't know, Hermione, we were both drunk," I admit sheepishly. 

"So you don't have feelings for him?" she presses on. 

"I don't know!" 

This time, it is Ron and Harry who glance around to look at us, both seeming scared of Hermione's fury. Cheeks turning pink, I move closer to Hermione. "I don't know," I repeat quietly. "Maybe? Sometimes I think I do, sometimes I think it would be better with him. But then I think about Draco." I'm silent for a few moments, and try to remember the laughing, happy Draco from the Yule Ball, or the sweet and caring Draco from the Room of Requirement, but all that comes to mind is the terrified Draco atop the Astronomy Tower, gaunt and desperate, and mere seconds away from switching sides. "I'm just so sick of trying to get over him, Hermione. When we broke up in fifth year, I thought it was over for good, and yet, everyone else seemed to think otherwise. Jesus, Ron, of all people, told me that he reckoned it was only a matter of time before we made up."

"That was different," Hermione says softly. "What Draco said that day at the Quidditch match was horrendous, but You-Know-Who had nothing to do with your break-up."

"Didn't he?" I say dryly. "I never told you at the time, but I could barely look at Draco sometimes without seeing his father staring back at me. It felt like I had only just gotten past that when Harry began obsessing over him being a Death Eater." I give a humourless laugh. "I defended him until the very end, even when Harry's theory began making sense to me. When we broke up the second time, though, it felt different. We didn't just break up, it was like we'd lost fours of our lives. After everything we'd been through, we were enemies again. Even though it hurt, hating him was easy." I pause again, and though I don't dare meet her eye, I can tell Hermione is waiting with bated breath. "But ever since the night Dumbledore died, I don't know how to feel about him. I hate him for everything he did to you, and to Ron, and to me, but I can't stop thinking about him. Every spare second I have I'm wondering where he is, if he's safe...I see him everywhere, Hermione, and it's killing me. I see him whenever I look at this stupid locket! God, I caught a glimpse of his name over Harry's shoulder on the Marauder's Map the other night and it felt like someone had stabbed me through the heart. Why can't I get over him, Hermione?" I whisper. 

"I'm not going to pretend that I've ever liked Draco," she says quietly, deliberating quite carefully with her words. "But I can't help but think you're not supposed to get over him, not for a while, at least. In that regard, I suppose it comes down to where you see yourself in five years, and who you see yourself with: is it Draco or George?"

A few months ago -- weeks, even -- the thoughts that a question like this brings to my head might have reduced me to tears. But now, it only brings a cold and morbid numbness, which seems to run through my bloodstream, paralysing me with hopelessness. "I can't see that far into the future anymore," I say quietly, "not while You-Know-Who is here."

Contrary to my lack of emotion, tears are suddenly dripping down Hermione's cheeks, and I can tell that she is struggling to find words. "H-Haylee -- I had no idea you felt that way," she says thickly.

"Hey," I say quickly, grabbing her hand. "I'm not admitting defeat. I'm just tired of it all. Don't worry. It doesn't matter, anyway: Draco is a Death Eater." Somehow, I feel as if I'm trying to convince myself of this rather than Hermione. "It was never gonna work out anyway."