How to Love ✔️

29 black

The door creaked open and the room filled with people again. I stood at Katie's side, clutching her hand. Don't leave me, I thought. Not yet. Not ever.

My mom fluffed out her pillow as she shook with sobs. My dad tucked her in, pulling the blanket right up to her chin. I stood there, a buoy out at sea, lost somewhere in the night. I never took my eyes off her. Not for a single second. Not when the machines turned off. Not when my mom buried her head into my dad's chest. Not when the room fell silent and I knew she was gone.

The world seemed to shift right on its axis. Everything went dark when Katie did. All the light was pulled from the world, disappearing with her. And every scar on me that had begun to heal was torn right open. She was gone. Gone gone gone gone. I wanted to sink down with her. Bury me with her. Take me with her. Anywhere but here, in this crushing world that felt impossible to breathe in.

I sank onto the bed beside her. I held her face in my hands. You're okay now, I thought. You're okay. It's okay. It'll be okay. I told her all the words I wished someone would tell me.

Faintly, I heard the door to the room open. Someone walked in. I felt her stand beside me, heard the tears the fell down her cheeks like water ebbing downhill. Eden placed her hand on my shoulder. It was pulling me apart, limb by limb. I shut my eyes. I choked back the sobs, the tears.

It was our second time in this hospital now, losing the same girl. I thought the pain the first time would end me. But this— this was endless. A black hole. No other sadness would ever compare. I'd give anything to feel the pain I felt that summer night. It was a fraction of this. This was crushing, unescapable. I was ash littering the ground. The fire had fully burnt out.

Unaware of where I was going, I stood up. I didn't want to leave Katie's side, but these four walls were moving in, threatening to crush me. Why run? I thought. Let them. I squeezed my sister's hand for what was painfully the last time and stumbled into the hallway. Everything was spinning. My eyesight was blurry. Had I managed to cry? To rid of the smallest scrape of sorrow inside me?

I made it down the elevator and pushed through the hospital doors. I gulped down the fresh air like a drowning man. I kept walking, kept moving. Crossed the street and then another one. It was the middle of the night. There were no cars, no people. I stopped when my feet gave out, just fell to the ground and tucked my head between my knees.

I felt like a stone plucked up and dropped into a lake, doomed to sink beneath the murky tide; like a wanderer dropped in a forest with trees lining every side, without a compass or a sign; like a boy that lost his youth too soon and scrambled hopelessly to put his life back together again, piece by broken piece.

The agony felt endless. The pain a deep well inside me. I was weighted by grief; it had only been minutes and I was already too weak to survive just that. How would I go on? Continue? Stand back up and keep living some semblance of a normal life?

And then the wind blew. It rattled off wind chimes at a nearby shop. My heart stopped. That sound, that carefree jingle—it was Katie's laughter. All of a sudden, the shadows seemed to part and some shred of light returned. I could see Katie skipping down the sidewalks. I could see her smile, bright as the morning sun. The world was still filled with her. Memories and moments took over the air. She was everywhere, alive through me. I wanted to wrap my hand around her arm. Stay, I'd say. She would this time. There was nowhere left to go.

I'd tie a string around her arm and the other end around mine. I'd tether her to me. We'd get lost together this time. We'd fly through the clouds as one. She didn't need to be scared anymore, I'd be with her every step of the way. And she with me.

I could picture her standing in front of me, seeing the mess I had become. Sitting on the sidewalk like some broken lump of clay. Get up, Katie would say, rolling her eyes. So dramatic. Katie, the girl that never sat still. Katie, the girl who never gave up. My sister, the girl who held my hand and walked with me.

And I knew, deep down, this was the last thing she'd want. She wouldn't want her death to be the end of my life, the end of my happiness. She'd want it to be the beginning. She'd want me to be restless, alive. She'd want me to be like she was on those summer days when she'd bounce around the house, full of movement and life until her very last breath.

Would Katie want me to sink to my knees? Would she want me to stop keeping score and give up? To barricade the doors, lock them up and swallow the key? I knew the answer.

My bones screamed, my heart was in shambles, but I stood up. I kept walking with no idea where I was going. Just knowing that she'd want me to go somewhere.

I'll do this for you, Katie, I thought. I'd fight for her. I'd live for her. I couldn't believe that she was gone for good. I knew she was up there somewhere. Nestled between clouds. Looking down, smiling.

I had to believe it. I had to.

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