I paced back and forth in front of my front door. It was almost 3 AM but that didn't matter to me. My mind rested on much more important things. Like how Luke and I haven't talked in almost a week.
We were struggling. Both of us knew it was obvious.
Tonight however, I couldn't handle it. The silence was eating me alive and I needed to able to rest with ease. I missed him. Of course I missed him, I can't cope with the fact that something is not right in our relationship and that none of us are doing anything to help it.
I needed to see him and tell him that I'm sorry. What was I sorry for though? Even I had no idea. We seemed to be fighting for the most absurd reasons but we're both too stubborn to admit that.
None of that mattered still. I grabbed my coat and ventured into the bitter cold. Luke didn't live all that far so the walk there would be no problem to me. It took me a few minutes to get there but once I got to the front door, I froze.
No, not because of the cold.
Because there was Luke, sitting on the stairs in front of his door. Head in between his knees and looking quite distressed. What made me hesitate wasn't Luke standing there. It was the girl who seemed to just have walked out of his apartment building. She took a seat next to him, trying to console him. They looked too close for my liking. Her arms wrapped around him and he willingly leaned on to her. For someone who wasn't me, you would think they were a couple in an embrace after a big fight. But that's supposed to me, isn't it?
My mind was racing, my thoughts were incomprehensible. I took a step back, fumbling. When Luke had looked up at me with his big blue eyes, I made a run for it.
The tears streamed down my face and I had no care for wiping them away. I couldn't help but remember what Luke had said that night. "Why are we trying." Sure, it could have been his anger speaking, but I didn't care anymore. All I needed to do was get home and lock myself inside for the rest of my life. I finally made my way to my apartment, and slammed my door behind me. I slid down to the floor, finally letting go. I hugged my knees trying to calm my breaths.
The knocking on my door should have scared me. That is if I didn't know who it was. Luke pounded on the door.
"Autumn please. Autumn let me in. We need to talk." I didn't answer. I closed my eyes and wished for him to disappear. "Please, I know you're there. I want to talk to you."
"Why are we trying huh?" I forced a laugh as reciting those words pained me more than anything. "You seemed to stop trying real fast Luke. That's really great. I'm trying too freaking hard, this is not something I won’t give up on. Do you know how much it hurt me seeing that? That I'm not the one holding you in your arms, even though I should be. I was never good enough was I? I was getting annoying huh? This has happened to me before Luke. Thanks though."
The silence was deafening. We stayed like that for a few minutes before Luke spoke up again.
"I was on my way to see you. I wanted to apologize for saying that. I didn't even mean it, I was just angry. For some reason though, once I made out the front door I felt really shitty. It was like I pictured you upset because of me, and I felt awful. It broke me down. Not talking to you for days was killing me inside. I want to be near you Autumn, that's the only way I can feel okay."
"So some other girl will suffice if I'm not there."
"She's no one! She lives in the same building. Her and her friends were just getting back from a club as I was leaving to see you. She must have seen me upset and wanted to know what was up."
"Bullshit. How do you expect me to believe that?"
"Because you should know that I don't want anyone else but you. You're the only thing on my mind when I go to sleep and the first thing I think of in the morning. I would never want any other girl, because you're the only one who makes me happy. I know I'm not okay most of the time, but at least when I'm with you life is pretty damn good. You should know that."
I didn't know how to answer.
"Please open the door Autumn."
I got up and stood close to the door. My breathing was slower but I could stop myself from crying. Slowly, I opened the door to see Luke. He looked like a mess. His eyes looked severely sleep deprived and bloodshot from crying. He smiled as soon as the door opened. "I'm a mess Luke, I don't know how you deal with me."
"I'm going to be honest with you, I didn't know either. I thought falling for you would be the stupidest thing in the world. I've known you for too long not to know that. You're kind of a fucking mess, and you're really weird sometimes and I don't even know what to think of you most occasions."
"Luke Hemmings. Always making me feel better."
"Shut up." I rolled my eyes and let him continue. He stared at me for a bit before moving on. "As I was saying, when I started having feelings for you I was like 'this must be fluke.' I couldn't possibly be falling for the oddity that is you. You're you. It must have been a mistake. But you want to know what, future Mrs. Hemmings?"
"What?" I sniffled and wiped away a tear. Within an instant Luke has cupped my face and kissed me.
In that moment, something happened. I fell in love with his blue eyes again. I fell in love with the way he smiled revealing his adorable dimples again. I fell in love with how he smiled against my lips. I was falling in love with Luke Hemmings once again, as if I ever stopped in the first place. He pulled away and looked me in the eyes.
"You are and always will be my favorite mistake Autumn. "
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