One Lit Candle

The Call

I can't do this.
Not anymore
Not now
Not ever.
I honestly feel myself giving up. The strain. the stress it's driving me mad. I just want to scream into the abyss. I try to believe in god and keep my faith steady and strong. But how can I do that when everything around me is breaking. Friends, family, hell I don't even know what family is. Everyone who has ever cared about me has either left me or back stabbed me. I've been a follower all my life. Scared to stand up for myself, scared to go into the unknown. Anxiety fules me and change scares me. Voices pounding in my head that I'm not good enough. I deserved everything that had happened to me... my parents divorce, my brother trying to commit suicide, being raped and molested. Having to pull my dog out of the pool because she drowned. She passed with her crystal blue eyes open... then my German Shepard I woke up to dead next to me. What have I done to be punished by God. I've been kicked down fought with, beaten and choked. I... I honestly can't do this. Get a therapist. Take pills. Do this do that. Sing, dance, draw... find a safe outlet you can do at home.
How can I find an outlet to do at home-
When I don't even have a home.
I have a broken family. Full of lies, hate, greed, alcohol and drugs. When I think of the Ivester family. All I see is pain.
     I find myself drawing a bath, boiling hot water will do. I just want to feel something. Feel something once again. My mother, Dove, is passed out drunk.... sleeping in her own vomit. And I'm not cleaning it up again. I'm done. My little brother Austin is asleep in his room... his radio blaring. It seems that's the only thing that comforts him. I wish I loved my brother... I really wish I did. But I don't-
There's just no connection. Apparently when I was younger I was very close with him and loved him, but as he got older he was a little demon. He would bite me and hit me and scratch me. I wasn't ever allowed to hit him back because of his Mental disorders. I would go crying and pounding on my dads door with Austin hanging on to my bed laughing at me while he bit me and hit me. And whenever my father would come out he would be pissed. My step mother and father would yell at me if I ever hit him in self defense, and I would get yelled at even if I didn't hit him back and he did this. My only safe place was in my room hiding under my bed or in my closet with my blanket and my stuffed bunny. I still have that bunny today it calms me and keeps me sane... as does my bad habit. My earliest memory is my mom and dad yelling at each other and screaming. I would grab my bunny, hide in the closet and I would suck in a binkie. I know it's bad for my teeth... and childish for my age but it was the only comfort I had. I hate it.. it's one of the main things I hate about myself. I've tried so hard to get rid of it, I've tried everything. My family makes fun of me for it but ironically my moms the only one who accepts it. Not even my boyfriend, he said it's childish and I know he doesn't like it when I do it around him. I just want to please him.. I'm to scared to be alone. My binkie The only thing that made me calm down. I really had nobody. I mean my boyfriend kinda helps but he's far away and I rarely get to see him. And he give generic answers and doesn't seem to care. I also have my Granny Ann. She was my best friend... she made me happy when I was sad. When I had nightmares I would climb up into her bed not my moms. She would make me feel safe and I told her everything. From my step mom beating my brother and my dad yelling and hurting me- to my mom and her boyfriend Michel drinking constantly. Then she moved... to Indiana to take care of her mom and dad. I cried my self to sleep constantly and felt lost. Yes I have cloths on my back food on my table and a roof over my head, but I wasn't safe. Or I at least didn't feel safe. We had constant CPS cases... I would get called up to the office so many times. I bounced around from school to school as-well because of my brother. Once I'd get comfortable we'd be moving again. Im so tired of change and moving. My 7th grade school was fun and cool. Phoenix Advanced school was my home for a year. I made friends and a best friend Robert. I was in a theater production of Beauty and the beast... I got bell and he got Lumiere. We really hit it off. But the thing was I changed my personality at each school I went to. I did anything to fit in... anything to feel accepted. It also helped me build my walls up. Nobody came in and nobody came out. Except for Robert. He seemed to care and he was so sweet and kind. He was always there for me when I needed. Even thought hated him when we first met... because he was smarter then me. Anyway at the end of the year I had to move schools. And so did he. But we hit it off over the summer and he asked me out. Now he's my current boyfriend for two years... he's changed a lot. He's not who I once thought he was. That's why I'm here where I am. Because now I have nobody.
It's Christmas break and I'm ready. Today on December 31st I'm going to finally be free.
I watched the water rise in the tub... and I got one of my step dads razors from his tool box. Gently placed it on the tub side and watched the bubbles rise, the sent of lavender filled my nose. My phone was playing music and I previously had taken a bottle of Tylenol. I felt myself going numb physically now. My Dog crumbs was in my room curled up asleep. She's an old dog and I've had her since I was a little girl. I don't want her to see what I'm doing. I couldn't look at her in the eyes to say goodbye for one last time.