Lady Hyacinth Grimm vs the Nautilus

Chapter 1: In Which Hiccups are Cured

"But this time the experimental subject and my minions were in terrible danger!"

"They were in danger of becoming happy and healthy!" Doctor Thrikopolis banged her fist on the table, waking two hedgehogs that grunted at her. "By the elder gods, you are disregarding the very methods of madness! Unless your subject transforms into a ravening monster and eats you in the next five minutes, I am going to grant you a degree in engineering."

Gasps echoed around the room, momentarily louder than Professor Krillhan's high-pitched snoring. Engineering was what the lower classes did because they didn't have the insane brilliance to be real scientists. In this hall, "grave-robbing" would have been less insulting.

"You can't do that to me!" Hyacinth stomped her foot.

"Unfortunately, you are correct. By the by-laws of this university, I am not permitted to give out engineering degrees just to embarrass the recipients. I checked." The squirrel nodded in agreement. "Nor am I allowed to expel any student whose parent has given the Royal University a sizeable endowment. By the by, pass our thanks to your father for funding the reconstruction of the high explosives building. Five times."

"My father is a great patron of education," Hyacinth said. She wasn't certain what that meant precisely, but she knew it involved bribes. "So... does this mean I will have to redo my thesis? Again?"

Hyacinth thought that would be unfair in the extreme, as Hyacinth was already two years behind her classmates; why, little Phyllis Hydrochloric already had her master's degree. Still, given one more chance Hyacinth was certain that her own experiments could be unhinged and lethal.

The suggestion that Hyacinth might stay at the Royal University caused angry rumblings from Hyacinth's former professors, and a keening howl came from where her advisor was hiding under the table.

"No!" Doctor Thrikopolis said. "To prevent most of the university's faculty from quitting, I have no choice but to graduate you."

Hyacinth squealed, delighted. Professor Rumplewitt poked his head into view, his bald pate shining with hope. His hair--thick and black just six years ago--had gone grey the day he'd been made Hyacinth's advisor. It had taken just three months for him to tear his hair out over her.

"Now, as to the matter of your rank..."

Hyacinth bit her lip and crossed as many fingers and toes as she could. From Doctor Thrikopolis' expression, Hyacinth guessed that she wouldn't get a First Class ranking. Still, it shouldn't be too hard to work her way up from Second Class. As long as she didn't get the bottom ranking, she could still face her mother at Christmas holidays.

"Let the record show that the Royal University of Mad Science has never graduated such a pitiful mad scientist. Until today." Doctor Thrikopolis picked up her bronze-headed gavel. "Lady Hyacinth Grimm, you are hereby granted the title of Mad Scientist: Fourth Class."

Bang. The room erupted in chatter as the committee members woke up their colleagues to gossip.

"—an entirely new rank, not even her father's endowment can cover that up—"

"—deserves it. Did I tell you she befriended my fanged monstrosity? A fierce killer, and she had it rolling over for tea cakes—"

"—to her mother, embarrassment to the college, even an embarrassment to her sister. Did you hear that Lilly's latest soiree—"

"—would not stop talking, even after I sewed her lips together she kept mumbling nonstop—"

"—fourth class? That's nearly as humiliating as the engineering degree—"