Blanca goes to the bathroom to get a couple of towels and soaks one in warm water before returning to Eiji's side.
The boy has curled himself on the bed, head hidden against one of the pillows. His shoulders tremble with each body-shaking sob.
"I'm going to clean you up." Blanca says out loud before gently running the wet towel over Eiji's back and arms, then over his waist and down between— Eiji snaps and throws out his arm when Blanca tries to clean between his legs.
It's an involuntary snap reaction to something unpleasant.
"I'm sorry," Eiji mumbles and turns away again.
Blanca squeezes his eyes tight, then reaches for his boxers that were discarded at the end of the bed. He puts them on quickly, then moves back, sitting as close to Eiji as he dares.
Eiji keeps crying.
"I should have stopped." Blanca says finally. "This was rape."
"I asked for it." Eiji hides his voice into the pillow.
"You are clearly not in a state to make such a decision. I should have known better— Fuck... I can never take this back. Ash would—"
"Don't say his name please!" Eiji cries out. "Not now." He shakes his head. "Not now..."
"Ok... ok." Blanca reaches out, then pulls back again, changing his mind. "Can I at least clean you up? I promise I won't do anything else."
Eiji gives a small nod.
Blanca goes slowly, careful where he touches. Watching every flinch and small movement that Eiji makes. He reaches down his body again, but this time Eiji willingly opens his legs. Blanca is super careful, telling Eiji everything as he does it. He wipes off the trickles of semen, careful around Eiji's dick. Eiji jumps a little when Blanca cleans around his asshole.
"You should put some ointment... I'm pretty sure I tore you."
Eiji makes a small movement. "He never went to the doctor when it happened."
"You wanted to put yourself in a place Ash had been many times before."
"I—"
"Let me finish. I am not saying what you did was wrong. I fully understand what I did was wrong. I didn't stop when I should have. You came here to get hurt and I was too in the moment to think properly." He moves a stray hair away from Eiji's eyes. "What happened cannot be taken back, but I am asking you if it makes you feel even remotely better."
Eiji closes his eyes and takes a slow breath, moving away from Blanca's touch. "No," he whispers. "It feels empty. My body hurts. My heart hurts. I feel like I have gone crazy."
"You have not gone crazy." Blanca purses his lips.
"It's been three years." Eiji continues. "But I don't feel time has passed at all. The world keeps going. Everyone around me moves on, but I don't." He sniffles. "I'm stuck."
Blanca stays quiet for a minute. Just watching. He'd always liked the watching. Sometimes you could tell a lot about a person by simply watching them. Watching what they did. How they moved. What they said. He always watched before pulling the trigger. What they did in their last moments. The look in their eyes. He always watched.
"I can't tell you how to grieve." Blanca starts. "But I think everyone makes plans for the future. Even if we say we don't. We all imagine our future. When Natasha was killed. It wasn't only her that died but our future as well. The life we were going to have. The moments of happiness. The children we wanted. All of that died too. Everything changes." Blanca closes his eyes for a second, seeing her there, smiling. "Ash was in the future you imagine was he not?"
Tears pool in Eiji's eyes again. "I bought him a ticket to come to Japan. I was going to show him my home. I wanted to show him a world without violence. I wanted to make him try natto again and make him avocado salads and wake him up at noon. I wanted—"
Eiji starts to cry again and Blanca feels the urge to reach out, to comfort, but doesn't. He can only wait for Eiji to release the sorrow in his soul little by little. This was a pain that couldn't be forced out or forgotten. "The fridge is full. Milk, eggs, bread. Feel free to take whatever you want. The shared bathroom is just outside."
Eiji gives the barest of nods before curling the sheets closer. Blanca stands and grabs the rest of his clothes from the floor. "If you need anything I will be on the second bedroom down the hall."
Eiji pulls the sheets over his head and hides away.
Blanca leaves.
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It's ten in the morning when Blanca finally wakes, the bedsheets stuck to his skin from sweat, the sun forcing prickles on his arm from the window. He'd forgotten to turn on the fan and close the blinds.
The shower is cold and refreshing, but it feels like he's washing away everything that happened last night. He can still feel Eiji on his skin, gripping his cock like a vice.
Fuck. Fuck.
Blanca turns the knob as cold as it can be and stands underneath it until all traces of his lingering need are gone.
The house is quiet as he makes his way to the kitchen. There's no sign of Eiji having been there. Blanca opens the fridge and everything is still untouched.
"Shit." Slamming the fridge closed, Blanca hurries to the main bedroom. Swearing at every step.
Regret after regret. That's all he leaves behind.
Regret for not being there when the person he'd loved was killed.
Regret for not nurturing when he had the chance.
Regret for not telling the people he cared about that he cared.
And there was nothing he was going to leave behind. Nothing except death and blood.
He opens the door expecting the worst, expecting the sight of blood and the smell of death.
Eiji lies on the bed unmoving, the sheets barely covering him, his skin pale as a ghost.
"Eiji!"
Blanca rushes to Eiji's side and puts two fingers on Eiji's neck searching for a pulse, but just touching him he knows Eiji is alive.
He's alive, his skin hot to the touch, clammy and wrong...
"Ash?" Eiji calls out, barely opening his eyes. Blanca grabs a towel and uses it to wipe the sweat from Eiji's forehead. "You were here right?" Eiji's voice is a hush among the fever. "I knew you were hiding. I knew you weren't dead..."
Blanca tries to cover Eiji's naked body with the sheets. He needs to get some ice for the fever and some Tylenol.
"I'll be right back," he says as he stands, but Eiji grips his hand.
"No... Ash don't leave me again please." He's crying. "I never told you I loved you. You read the letter right? You read it?"
"Yes." Blanca lies, wiping more sweat from Eiji's brow. "I'll be right back," Blanca repeats and runs to get some ice. Some towels. Anything else someone running a high fever needs.
He accidentally drops the first batch of ice all over the floor and on his feet, and after five seconds of swearing, Blanca calls the local doctor to pay a home visit.
