Lonely | Kawoshin

Getting Closer

Shinji seemed to get even more comfortable with Kaworu to the point where he actually started talking more. These longer conversations started when one day Kaworu apparently had lost his earphones and Shinji felt bad being the only one with them, so in a weird way of showing sympathy he took his off. This action forced them to actually say something to avoid the awkward silence between them.

It started with simple questions of age, likes, family and other stuff. Eventually it started being about more private matters like family problems, insecurities and etcetera. But these deeper conversations always seemed to revolve around Shinji, it always ended up about him talking about his feelings and Kaworu giving all his attention towards the other. Even though Shinji tried a few times to get something out of Kaworu, the other always managed to change the subject. This always made Shinji a little bit sad, but he understood that maybe Kaworu didn't trust him enough yet.

But if that was the case, why did Shinji felt like he could trust him? He knew nothing about the other one and still he felt like he did. It was like an invisible bond they had with each other.

He tried a few more times until he eventually gave up, scared he might annoy Kaworu to the point he stopped talking with him. Shinji didn't want to ruin this like he always does, so for the first time in a while he will actually try his best to keep Kaworu pleased with him.

They talked about Shinji's insecurities, how he was considered a disappointment in his family, he even talked about his mother's death one time. Shinji tried to not show too much weakness, but it was hard and Kaworu was not blind. Kaworu instead of making fun of him or shrugging it off like the rest, he always listened. He paid attention to every single word Shinji had to said, then when he was done, he always gave his opinion about the matter, trying to be as respectful as possible but it didn't always work.

There had been times that Kaworu said comments that might had offended Shinji, but he didn't blame him. Shinji came to realize Kaworu was just not really good at saying the right things at the right times, he was always so honest. And that honestly, even though sometimes may be annoying, was another thing that made Shinji admire him even more.

One day, instead of talking, Shinji decided to do something he considered special. He shared his earphones with the other and allowed him to listen to the same music, something he had never done with anybody else. Kaworu immediately knew this was someway of Shinji showing his affection towards him, and that made him feel special.

"Am I special to you Ikari-Kun?" Kaworu bluntly asked, catching Shinji out-guard and making him stutter.

"W-What do you mean by special?"

"I have the feeling you do not share your music with others, why am I different?" He specified, he had a look of someone who already knew the answer to his own question, he just wanted to hear it from Shinji's mouth.

Shinji simply scratched his arms in embarrassment, he didn't even knew the reason why he wanted to treat Kaworu different than others "I... I don't know" he said with a slight blush across his face, those words usually being the reply he gave to many of Kaworu's questions.

Kaworu just hummed, not wanting to pressure the younger one any further. It was heavily impressive how he had so much patience towards Shinji, other people by now would be done by his shy and awkward attitude already

His question made Shinji think, he also wanted to know the answer to that. He thought and thought until he finally found a reason.

He treated Kaworu different because he had made him feel special.

Shinji was charmed by every aspect of Kaworu. He found him so smart, always having good grades even though he never seemed to pay attention in class. How he always slightly shook his head whenever he wanted to make his hair look better, the enormous patience he had towards him, his soft sighs of satisfaction he gave whenever he listened to the songs he loved, his lovely crimson eyes that made contact with Shinji's from time to time and who could forget that beautiful gentle smile he always gave.

How could someone as awesome as him give him this much attention? It was the first time Shinji felt someone treated him special, it was hard to deny the fact that Kaworu had a different type of smile whenever he looked at him, it was impossible to not notice how Kaworu spoke softer whenever he was talking to Shinji. Is this how true friends treat each other? The younger one wondered many times if Kaworu ever thought about him as a friend, he was curious if Kaworu had also felt a special kind of happiness whenever they were alone together.

And it made Shinji even more happier when he found out that Kaworu was never staring at Asuka, but that he was in fact staring at him. He still remembers how Kaworu slightly chuckled when Shinji turned completely red when he explained. But Shinji was not prepared for the answer to his next question "But why me?"

Kaworu slightly leaned closer towards him, making Shinji backup just a little bit "Well, I thought you were beautiful. Never mind that, I think you ARE beautiful" Shinji simply remained silent in shock of the blunt words Kaworu had said, was he messing with him?

"Shinji-Kun" how his name rolled out Kaworu's tongue made Shinji flinch in surprise, he was not used to someone calling him by his first name with such a sweet tone "I find you so unique in many different ways, I'm sorry if I ever made you uncomfortable with my staring but I just can't help it" he continued "I find you unique in so many ways, you are so fragile I feel I have to be as gentle as possible. So, believe me when I say I wouldn't harm you in any way on purpose"

Not even Shinji's family had ever said such kind words towards him. A strong emotion traveled through Shinji's entire body and he didn't know how to describe it, he only knew that it was a pleasant feeling "This means you consider me as a friend?" He timidly asked, not being able to hide the smile forming across his face.

Kaworu simply responded "If that is what you want to call us, then yes" Shinji didn't completely understood what he meant by that but his answer was enough, and for the first time ever, Shinji didn't felt as lonely anymore.

Conversations like this kept occurring, Kaworu always finding a new way to express his affection towards Shinji. And Shinji didn't keep quiet either, always talking about how Kaworu was so amazing in every way and how he was sure his future girlfriend would be so lucky to have him. Shinji never noticed how Kaworu slightly frowned at the mention of that last thing, he couldn't believe how Shinji could be so blind from the start but he understood anyways, he knew the younger one was not used to this kind of affection, it was probably hard for him to identify friendly feelings from romantic feelings. Still, Kaworu never said anything to deny Shinji from his assumptions to which made Shinji feel a little bit down without even knowing why.

There has been a few times where the younger one asked Kaworu if he was interested in someone to which he always replied with "You're the only one who comes to mine" Shinji just awkwardly pushed him away telling him to stop joking about that "Does it bother you?" Kaworu asked.

Did it bother him? "It's just... weird" Kaworu nodded to Shinji's response and apologized.

Shinji was no sure if Kaworu's comments bothered him, he only knew it made him feel weird but no in a bad way. What's this kind of feeling?

One of the few times Kaworu was absent, Shinji hanged around with Rei, maybe she knew how to answer to his question. So, the moment an opportunity popped up, he took it.

Maybe it wasn't the best idea to ask Rei, she was known for not really showing or understanding some emotions. When Shinji explained the situation to her, she simply replied that she doesn't know since she has never experienced it before and that maybe he should ask Asuka.

There was no way he was asking Asuka, the last thing he needed was her coming up with the most random conclusion that there could be.

So he just kept it to himself for now and wondered if Kaworu feels the same way as him. Maybe he knew what it meant, but he was way too shy to ask, afraid Kaworu didn't consider him that special and would just make things awkward.