bags of disorders

who am I?

Hey!
I just wanna put a TW first because I know that a lot of anorexic or sick people searches for things like this. I know that you're struggling and it's ok. Just promise me you won't read this and actually ask for help. It's way more important than hearing my triggering and stupid stories. I promise you. I know you wanna read this but just DON't okay? Thank you and be safe angel.

However, I'm a 15 y/o Swedish girl who's name is Amber (not my real name ok). I've suffered from a lot of different disorders. I can't say that I'm sick because I haven't been diagnosed for any of it. This is just my own experiences and thoughts about what an eating disorder feels like for me.

It all started in summer 2019 when I went on a language trip with EF to England. It was so fun and interesting and I learned a lot but as soon as I got there I started to eat a lot more less than I usually did. This resulted in me losing weight ofc and I honestly LOVED IT. I got so obsessed with it so I just kept on going.

When I later came home I continued my behavior and I'm still dealing with it. It's like this monster who just tells you not to eat that last piece of cake or that cup of pasta. I just can't but i REALLY want to. You don't even know how much I want to. I just can't because I just can't....
Those numbers on the scale controls me and I can't imagine waking up and seeing that I've gained weight. That's impossible and it can't happen. It just can't. I would never be able to deal with it no matter what. That would ruin my whole life, literally. Especially my dancing.

We all know that ballet dancers are skinny and so I have to be that too. No questions asked.

However, I have talked with a few people about my feelings but those "few people" are just my friends and I've just told 2 of them. I'm just begging everyday for then to not tell anyone at school or like an adult because that would ruin my life too. Hopefully I will find my way out of this mess but until that day I wanna share my stories or just write my feelings down. I KNOW that I WILL get through this with or without help. It has to be possible but I just have to face that if I wanna do this I have to gain weight. But I will be fine.

Thank you for reading!<3