Miss Mercuriality: A Freddie Mercury Parody Fic

1: Drafted

This is the worst story ever.

So I told myself as I mindlessly slid my finger across my phone's screen at half-past two one night, sucking up every word like a dried up sponge. I was reading the latest update of an ongoing fanfic I had recently found on Wattpad; it was terrible, so terrible that I couldn't put the damn thing down.

Not sure if you guys have ever heard of Wattpad, so I'll fill you in.  Basically it's a writing platform online where you can post just about any kind of tripe you want, whether that's fanfiction, or original fiction, or nonfiction, or sometimes all three together. 

And being the avid Queen fan that I was, my personal tripe of choice naturally lay with Queen fanfics.  I bet you didn't even know that was a thing, Queen fanfiction.  Yeah, neither did I till recently.  It's a pretty varied genre, full of member ships (the space is no mistake, I mean actual band member ships, like John + Freddie, Roger + Brian, Freddie + Roger, Roger + Car, etc.) and original stories and self-inserts alike. 

Me, I like the latter two.  Something about a made-up (or not so made-up) character getting it on with my favorite of the four, Mr. Freddie Mercury himself, just lights up my heart.

Alas, all things must come to an end, as did that new chapter.  So, with a yawn, I slid out of bed to wash my face, brush my teeth, and officially send myself to Dreamland.  I scrubbed my pores clean of the day's debris, patted my face dry, and stared a while at the face I saw in the mirror. 

What did I look like?  Wouldn't you like to know.  As a matter of fact, for the sake of convenience, let's just assume I look like you.  Yeah, you, the one who's reading this.  I look like you.  Hair, eyes, size, everything.  My name is even your name, Y. N. for short.  That way, there's no chance I could ever alienate you from me, the main character of this tale.

Now, that important foundation having been established, let us continue.

I crawled into bed, pushed my face into the pillow, and eventually fell asleep.  But there, I did not stay.

For suddenly a hand began jostling me awake.  "Hey!" called a voice.  "Hey, wake up!"

The voice did not sound like that of any family member- nor did it sound like a member of Queen (dammit).  So with much reluctance I opened my eyes to see a large, irritated face hovering directly over mine.

"It's about time, sleepyhead," the woman scoffed, extending a hand to help me to my feet.  "Come on, you're already late as it is!"

"Late for what?" I mumbled.  No doubt I was dreaming, maybe even lucid dreaming (which is cool), but I still like to at least have some idea what's going on.

"The orientation, of course!" she rolled her eyes.  "I suppose your next question will be who the heck I am, too!"

I blinked.  "Whoa.  Yeah."

"Good Lord.  I'm Elba, your assistant, and I was assigned to you the minute you accepted the invitation."

Elba was not helping.  "Wait, what invita-"

"Ugh.  Here, come on.  I'll explain as we go.  Now come along, let's sign in and join the other contestants."