How to Reappear

chapter 2

You know what the funny thing about Hell is? The smell. Naturally one would expect Hell to smell like something intense or dark, like burning flesh or blood. Hell actually just smells like an outhouse. I'm not sure what it is that makes it smell that way, but it's bad. Everytime I go there I make an official complaint about it to the King of Hell. And by that I mean I bitch to Damien.

    Damien Thorn and I go way back. I first met him in the third grade, when he came to South Park to announce "the beginning of the end", and ended up turning me into a duck billed platypus. We're cool now, though. I see him, like, once every or every other month, and I get on his last nerve, which I find endless joy in.

    Damien started ruling Hell when I was in fourth grade. Satan, his dad, was killed in the fight with Manbearpig and sent to Heaven, so Damien was forced to take over power of Hell. I think it was really hard for him at first, but he didn't really show it. Also he's a dick so I don't really care.

    Damien works aside his right hand man, Pip Pirrup. I was also in class with Pip when I was younger, but the poor boy got crushed by Mecha-Streisand, so now he's in Hell, still being British. Pip is still a sweet guy, despite the fact that he is the co-leader of Hell. I'm pretty sure Damien and Pip are actually married, which I find weird because we're, like, seventeen, but things work different in Hell I guess.

    Pip and Damien work as a Yin-and-Yang kind of thing. Damien dishes out punishments for the damned, and from what I've seen, Pip always makes sure Damien doesn't get too cruel, or something like that. Pip has been through so much shit, and still manages to be the same, cheery, faggy kid he was seven years ago.

    Everytime I see Damien, the interaction usually goes like:

    "Kenneth, what were you thinking?"

    And then I'm like, "Dude, it wasn't my fault, I don't know how those rednecks still think I look like the next best thing for them to put on their mantel."

    And then he says some shit like, "You need to be more careful blah blah I have pointy ears and a mullet and still expect people to take me seriously." I'm paraphrasing but you get the point.

    I'm not sure why I only go to Hell sometimes after I die. I rarely go to heaven, and go to Hell like 10% of the time, but mostly I just wake up in my bed after I die, which is my favorite outcome. Everyone in Hell is so gloomy. Like, I get you're being tortured and stuck here for all eternity, but come on, cheer up, it could be worse; you could be stuck in Heaven with a bunch of Mormons.

    Everytime I see Damien, he's always making fun of my most recent death, which is fair, but he's still a douche.

    So, ending up in Hell after my little "shortcut" wasn't exactly too exciting.

      "Kenneth. Did you really kill yourself instead of walking home?" Damien says. He's sitting on his weird Hell throne thing surrounded by little black creatures and Pip.

    "Uh, yeah. I was lost, I don't kn-"

    "You're not taking your power seriously. Immortality is not something to be taken lightly. You need to stop fooling around."

    "C'mon, man. Lighten up. It was funny. Plus, it doesn't even matter. None of this ever matters."

    "It does matter. You cannot keep abusing your power like this."

    "Don't be such a buzzkill, Fartboy."

    "Kenneth, I have told you countless times to stop calling me that."

    "It's Ken-"

    "Seriously Kenny, I'm not messing around here. You're getting reckless. You're not living up to the responsibility of.. This."

    "Suck a dick, Damien. It's my life, I can do what I want."

    Flames form in his eyes and his nose scrunches. He's pissed, but what's he going to do? Kill me again?

    "Do not speak to me like that, or I'll have you s-"

    "Damien, dear, calm down, it's alright," Pip pipes up.

    Damien snaps out of his fiery rage and turns to Pip.

    "Pip, I love you, you mean everything to me, but shut the fuck up."

    "Right-o," Pip says, looking amused. They seem to have a nice relationship.

    Pip turns to me. He looks different, grown up. But he's still wearing that god-awful hat and bowtie. I think he's wearing the same outfit he would wear when I knew him. I'm not sure if Hell has a lot of clothing options. Unlike Damien, though, Pip's long hair is clean-cut and neat. His hair is about two shades lighter blonde than mine, and unlike mine, his eyes are dark brown. God, he even looks British.

    Damien has a stupid fucking mullet, same messy black hair he's always had. His eyes are straight up black, and when I piss him off flames light up in them, which is funny to me. Pip always calms him down before he can do anything too bad to me. Damien's voice is deep, and, not going to lie, pretty sexy, but I think he would be more fun to talk to if he had the same voice that he had in fourth grade.

    "Kenny, old friend, we're all friends here. Let's not be too hostile," Pip says. How the hell is he always smiling?

    "Whatever. Dude I don't even want this 'power'. Dying fucking hurts, and everyone thinks I'm a flake. Not even my best friends believe me."

    "Fine," Damien crosses his arms. "No more lives, then."

    "You're kidding right?" I ask. He's definitely kidding.. I think.

    "Nope. You'll get what you want. No more lives."

    "You know the whole world is literally against me, right? Like, not in an edgy way, I'm constantly on the verge of death. The universe is always trying to kill me."

    "See you soon, then."

    "Damien no yo-"

    He smirks. Then I wake up in my bed.

    Well, shit.

    I know it's common knowledge to, you know, not trust demons, so maybe he was bluffing? I can't afford to find out though. What a dick.