Even When The Dark Comes Crashing Through (DEH Fanfic)

If I Disappeared Tomorrow

Hi!  Sorry it's been so long since I last updated, but this chapter was very difficult to write and I've been really busy lately.  Hopefully, you enjoy it!

TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter includes mentions of depression, suicide, and contains some language.  If you are uncomfortable with any of those topics, PLEASE DON'T READ.  Additionally, if I portrayed any mental illness incorrectly in my writing, PLEASE TELL ME.  I am always looking to improve, and I would love to hear your feedback.

~~~~~

CONNOR'S POV

You ruin everything around you.

That was the one thought racing through Connor's mind as he slammed the door of Zoe's blue Volvo and began storming off. He wasn't sure exactly where he was going; all he knew was that he needed to get away. Away from school, away from Zoe, away from his family, away from life. He just couldn't take it anymore. His first day of senior year had been shit, as he had expected. Everyone in the hallways avoided him like he was the plague, and the only human contact he had was with an anxious kid that he shoved and the school's biggest overachiever. Both of them probably hated him now anyway. After all, nobody liked Connor Murphy. Not even his own sister.

Zoe, Connor thought, his fists clenching, but not in anger at Zoe, anger at himself. He had never seen his sister so upset and furious before, and he knew that it was all because of him and his stupid, fucked up life choices. The look that Zoe had on her face would be forever burned into his memory.  She had looked like she wanted to kill someone- specifically him- and for the first time in his life, Connor had been genuinely worried that Zoe might hurt him just like he hurt her many times before. He thought she would punch him right then and there, and then he would react how he usually did: by hurting her even more and then regretting it later on.

However, Zoe had done something completely unpredictable. She had shouted at him. Of course, she had done that over a thousand times before, but it was somehow different this time. This time she wasn't just yelling at him over something small and stupid, like finishing the milk or being late for school, she was calling him out on every single flaw he had and how it affected her life.  There was true malice behind every word she spat at him, and she had intended for them to sink in.  Well, she had succeeded, because Connor couldn't get them out of his head.

You ruin everything around you.

Her words echoed around Connor's head until he was left with a throbbing headache. He wanted so badly to be angry at Zoe, but he just couldn't. He couldn't because all of it was true. Connor was the reason his parents fought. He was the reason Zoe's life was miserable. He vaguely wondered how many friends Zoe had lost and how many people bullied her just because she was related to him.  The idea made him sick to his stomach.  

You ruin everything around you.

The truth was that Connor actually loved Zoe. He knew that he never showed her this and that Zoe was under the impression he saw her as a pesky little sister, but that wasn't true. Sure, Zoe could get on his nerves sometimes, but that wasn't her fault. It was his. She had every right to get mad at him. He was a terrible person who let his emotions lash out and hurt anyone he could possibly care about, and he hated that she was suffering because of him.  She was a good, kind, sweet, and compassionate person- unlike himself- that deserved a better life than the one she was dealt with.  However, he knew that she would never get that as long as Connor was still alive.

You ruin everything around you.

Connor didn't even realize he had been running until his breath started shallowing and he felt his legs weaken. He didn't remember the last time he had gone running or even had any physical activity at all, and he was terribly out of shape. With a huff, Connor slowed himself down and looked around, trying to see where his legs had taken him while he was lost in thought.