So Close Yet So Far Apart

'She'd want you to move on, to find someone else.'

Simon's words were replaying in Jace's head while he was following Clary to her apartment from the Brooklyn Academy late in the evening. The irony wasn't lost on him that from all the people around him, it was Simon who felt the need to tell him to let Clary be. Jace remembered every single time, he was annoyed about their "package deal" and how Simon had been literally glued to Clary's heels.

He knew, his friend along with his family was genuinely worried about him but they didn't understand the pain he was in ever since Clary had left. They all had someone, they had been able to move on with their lives but he couldn't. They didn't have taken everything, giving them a reason to carry on, away from them. Jace didn't blame them for their ability to continue with their lives but he wished, they would at least accept that he couldn't.

Jace knew that Simon just as the rest of his family only had good intentions when they told him to stop following Clary but they could never understand what she truly meant for him. She had turned his life upside down, had teared down every wall he had built up around himself to keep his vulnerable self hidden. Clary had been the one who made him question everything he believed in, who had always believed in him and who showed him, he was worthy to be loved.

Every single day since she had been gone felt like agony, nothing made much sense anymore without her by his side. Way too often he thought, he would lose hope but those moments when he sneaked out of the institute to see Clary reminded him why he still kept holding on to this tiny bit of hope.

When Clary walked into ther apartment building, Jace used the fire escape to get up to her apartment floor. She looked exhausted after working long to prepare an exhibition in a few days. But he could clearly see how proud she was to be able to present some of her paintings. She had been working on one of the pieces tonight. Jace only needed to take one short look at it to recognize the pattern of the stained glass windows of the institute. He could still hear her asking him if he would be her date for Alec's and Magnus' wedding before all hell broke loose and she made a decision which led to her being lost to all of them.

Jace watched Clary how she dropped her bag to the ground before looking through her mail. He noticed the small drops of paint on her hands and arms which she hadn't removed before leaving the academy. She yawned and stretched herself before she went to the bathroom. 20 minutes later she came out in a pair of shorts and a shirt before she went to bed.

As ever so often Jace observed her in her sleep but now only from a distance. Though it had become quite normal to watch over her like this, he could still recall how it had felt to sleep right next to Clary. It was far from comfortable on that fire exit but here right next to her bedroom, Jace was able to sometimes doze off for a little while without waking up completely distressed by the sudden realization, she was gone.

But in this night it was Clary who didn't find much peace and rest. It was in the middle of the night when she jolted upright, breathing heavily and looking around herself quite confused. Jace wondered what had woken her up while he felt helpless, there was nothing he could do. He was snapped out of his thoughts when he realized Clary opened the large window he had been observing her through and leaned outside.

Jace thought about moving backwards as far as possible but there wasn't much space left and Clary's face was just mere inches away from his. He looked into her eyes, thinking for a split second to deglamour himself while knowing, this was the most ridiculous thing to do. He held his breath, closely observing her, anxiously waiting for a sign of recognition but there was none. A single tear escaped her eye before she closed them. Jace felt stuck between fright or flight. This was the closest he had gotten to her in one year and it was as overwhelming as it was devastating. With her being so unbelievably close to him, all he wanted was to touch her, to hold her again. He could literally feel how she would lean into his touch as if it would ground her. There were no words to describe how much he missed the warmth of her skin or any other little detail about her. Jace could hear his own blood rushing through his ears so impossibly loud that he thought at least Clary had to hear it too but she was still completely unaware of his presence. He wished, there would be a way to pin back these loose strands of hair or wipe that one tear away but it was impossible.

Jace knew in this very second he couldn't go on like this. He couldn't bear to be so close and so far apart from her in the same second. It was worse than anything he had felt before cause it made him realize that he would never move on, no matter how hard he tried. But he didn't even want to. There was no life without Clary in it, at least not one which was worth living. If Clary wouldn't find her way back into the Shadow World,he would have to make his way into her world.

'Raziel, if you don't let her return to me, I'll find my way to her. I'll be with Clary, one way or another.'

It were only a few moments until Clary retracted back into her bedroom, only to come back with a hoodie on while carrying her sketchbook. Jace took a deep breath while he watched her sitting down on the window sill, beginning to sketch. No matter what had happened it was still the same that sketching calmed her down.

But what she was sketching wasn't calming for Jace. It didn't take long till he realized what had interrupted her sleep. Some details were missing but the sketch showed definitely Lake Lyn with the mountains in the back and a figure with wings above the lake.

This could either be a warning or a sign that forgiveness was in reach. But no matter what it was, he wouldn't stop trying to be with her again.