The Chick-Fil-A Tapes

It all started with a chicken sandwich from Popeyes. Pretty much everyone knew the shit I would do for a Popeyes chicken sandwich. Otto was more than anyone.

"Do it for the sandwich dude." He coaxed, until I finally agreed to talk to the cute guy at the other end of the bar. I had been watching him fiddle with his brown hair and drink countless martinis for a sad amount of time. It's not my fault he's so damn beautiful.

I sighed loudly. "Hand it over, Otto."

"You got it chief." He saluted and handed me the bag of fried chicken goodness. With that, I awkwardly sauntered over to the brown haired boy

He nodded over to me and I sat next to him.

"Hey." He smiled.

"Hey." I reply. "What's your name?"

"Geoff. Yours?"

"Not important." He nods before looking over to the bag in my hand. "Is that-" He stutters, "A Popeyes chicken sandwich?"

I nod. "Yeah, it is. You want some?"

His eyes widen. "Fuck yeah I want some, it's a fucking popeyes chicken sandwich!"

I laugh a little. "I'll half it with you if you fuck me." I say, only half joking.

"Deal." he says without a moment's hesitation. Jesus, this guy Geoff really wants a popeyes chicken sandwich.

I laugh a little and start to think of some shitty joke, something about him being such a slut for Popeyes, but then he kisses me, and the joke dies in my throat. Suddenly it's not funny anymore. 

We kiss at that bar for who knows how long, the kiss getting more heated than the spicy mayo on that Popeyes chicken sandwich that started this whole thing.

He moans softly as I bite his lip gently. God he's hot. Shit, am I already hard? Maybe I was hard when I walked over, I don't know anymore. How long ago did I walk over here? Time doesn't mean shit anymore. It's like Doctor Strange did some acid and was like "Fuck it, let's press the randomiser on this shrek's balls lookin' rock."

"Your house or mine?" Geoff asks breathlessly. Shit, we're really gonna do this.

"Mine works." I say. Holy shit my voice is deep. I sound like Morgan fucking Freeman. (insert some random morgan freeman quote later on) Jesus man, focus. You're about to be balls deep in the hottest guy in Texas, and you do a Morgan Freeman impression. Smooth.

He nods and grabs my hand, pulling me out of the bar. I see Otto give me a silent thumbs up and a smirk as I'm being dragged out. He's the worst, but I do have to thank him. If he didn't risk his life for that sandwich then I wouldn't be here, 10 minutes away from being balls deep in the hottest guy in Texas.

We got into the Uber and not gonna lie, the driver was looking kinda thicc. Said his name was Jawn. Kind of a shit name but hey, its not any worse than mine. But he still wasn't as hot as Geoff. Damn Geoff is hot. How many times have I thought that? Too many probably. Oh well, it's fucking true. Geoff is one sexy ass man. There, I said it. I mean, I've said it like 6 times within the last 10 minutes but still. Jesus, I'm not even drunk. I'm rambling like this sober. What a fucking loser I am. Why the fuck is it so quiet? I mean, I'm all about silent Ubers, but this is ridiculous. Not even a "Yall better rate 5 stars, I know where you live." or anything. I'm starting to think either this guy is the most awkward person alive or he's a serial killer. I'm really hoping it's not the latter. I'm not dying a virgin like this Jawn guy.

We finally get to my house, and the SECOND we get inside I pin him against the wall. I'm not wasting time here. Fuck this foreplay shit. We pull off each other's shirts quickly and I start kissing down his neck. I'm assuming that's what I'm supposed to do.

He moans softly as I kiss down his neck and he starts palming me through my jeans.

"Jesus, just fuck me already." Geoff says, already unbuttoning his pants. I nod and go to grab my bag.

"Shit, I knew forgot something." I mutter under my breath after having dug through the contents of the bag.

"What's wrong?" Geoff turned his head to the side a bit.

"No lube." I reply, putting my things back in. "Unless you have some alternative, this isn't happening."

He ponders for a second, and then I see his eyes slowly drift over to the other, smaller bag I had brought with me.

"The sandwich?"

"I mean, it has mayo in it right?" This dude is actually fucking batshit. No way am I putting spicy fucking mayo up my asshole. This is not poggers. Well, maybe it won't be as bad as I think it is.

to be continued

yes this took me like 2 years to write unironically what about it