HURT

ONE

‘I’d walk on water, but I aint no Jesus’ I was lip syncing to my favorite track, Walk on Water by Eminem. The speakers were blasting, but I didn’t care.
The house was often quiet, no siblings, no relatives so music was all I had.
My name is KIMBERLY ANDERSON.. And my life is a total mess.
I lost my Ma to a fire I had started when I was 7. Ma wouldn’t let me have some noodles, so I helped myself. I went into the kitchen when she was out of sight and lit the gas. Then I heard her footsteps then I ran out forgetting to put off the gas Ma had plans to make use of the gas too. And that was it! Our kitchen caught fire and my Ma was in there.
‘Come, baby, it’s okay’ My neighbor Ellen said and carried me into her house.
‘She’s only a little girl’ I overheard Ellen saying to her husband one night ‘ we can’t blame her for her death’
‘I want her out of my house, period’ her husband saidwith anger in his voice
Apparently, they blamed me for what had happened to Ma.
The day Dad came to pick me, he looked so worn out, Ma was nowhere in sight.
‘Where’s mummy?’ I asked my dad hoping I’d get a positive reply
‘She’s in a better place, Kim, let’s go now’. I didn’t quite understand what he meant. But I let it go. After that day, I kept having dreams about Ma. Sometimes I felt like they were real and she was coming back. I kept having those dreams till I was 15.
Dad became so withdrawn after Ma left us. The house became quiet. I blamed myself for everything, Dad did too but he said nothing. He started drinking a lot, he became so aggressive towards me too. The change affected me, I was unable to associate with people, so I had no friends I performed poorly in school too, the school administration always threatened to send me out of school.
 
* * *    The weather was chilly this morning. I looked out through the window; the leaves were scattered all over the front yard and my neighbors’ too, fog was everywhere. It had rained last night. I got up to prepare for school; I hated Mondays because I hated school. I attended Boston East High. I hated the school bus, so I always used my bike.
‘I’m off, Dad’ I said running out, not expecting a reply, I’m sure he was dead drunk, as usual.
Classes lasted longer than usual today. The teacher went on and on about so many things I didn’t care about. I just had my headphones plugged in. I sat at the back always, I hated attention, I hated pretense or rather I hated people. All the teachers complained about my unruly behavior. I was always called to the principals office for one thing or the other.
‘Hey’. That was the first time a teacher tried to reach out to me. I looked up it was the new teacher, Mr. Robert; he looked like he was in his early forties. I just nodded.
‘Can see you busy with something more important than what we have today’. I got what he was trying to say and removed the headphones. ‘See me after class’. That was not new, all the teachers always wanted to see me after class.
‘Fuck!’ I said out loud ‘Sorry’ I said almost immediately as he looked at me with disgust.
I got home after seeing the teacher. The whole house was in a mess.
‘Dad!’ ‘Dad!’ it was 4.15pm, he should be home I thought. I became tired of looking for him and went into my room. I started undressing, I heard footsteps suddenly, more like lazy footsteps ‘Kim!’. That was my Dads voice, but it sounded rather weird. He opened the door before I could even reach out.
‘Dad, I’m dressing up, privacy please’ I said trying to cover my cleavages. He stood there looking at me. ‘Dad can you please leave?. But he didn’t move, instead he smiled.
Strange.
I felt shivers run through my spine. Why would he be looking at me lustfully and smiling? He was dead drunk again. His eyes were bloodshot.
I moved back, the fucked up man was untying his belt. What in the world?. He dragged me like a thug. 
‘Dad, it’s me, Kim!! What in heaven’s name do you think you’re doing?’ .
‘Shut up, it won’t hurt’. He said and threw me to the bed.
What won’t hurt?! Oh My God! He was trying to rape me!
I tried to move away from him. His grip was so strong. ‘NOOOOO! DAD PLEASE DONT DO THIS’!
My efforts were futile. My dad wasn’t with his senses again. He must have taken an overdose of whatever the shit he takes.
I shivered on the bed as I watched my dad rape me. I screamed louder then he slapped me hard. No one could hear me, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I tried not to look at him. The sight was appalling, I was in so much pain. Blood was everywhere, Then he got up and looked at me lie helplessly then he staggered out ‘I’m sorry, Kim’ he muttered and looked away immediately, then he left.
For a moment, I thought I was in a trance or something. I tried to get up, but I was in so much pain. I managed to clean the blood, change the bed sheets.
For days I didn’t come out from my room. My dad came in some times to check on me, but I couldn’t stand the sight of him. He tried explaining that he didn’t know what came over him that evening. He promised he would change but he never did.
Some nights when he was so drunk, he’d come into my room and rape me, it became a routine.  I would just lie there still he was done. He apologized constantly. I became accustomed to this lifestyle. I was slowly drifting away. I was losing my mind, He bought drugs to ensure I never got pregnant. There was no one to run to, so I let him use me.
I thought of suicide countless times. But I couldn’t get myself to kill myself.