Free

Present

After the disastrous breakfast, I no longer feel like the day. It would be so easy for me to just flop into my bed and never resurface. So easy to go on pretending. So easy to hide myself away again. But I know I can't do that. I've got a job to do.

Because I can't let her win.

So I go and get my bag instead. I struggle to kick my brain into gear enough to figure out exactly what subjects I had today. Eventually I have to go and find my timetable, which I haven't looked at since my first day at school. I decided it would be better to get to know the truancy officer again after my summer off.

It turns out that I have history first. Then double maths. My already fried brain is struggling to compute this information and I'm having to fight with it to not turn itself off immediately. At least I'll have a break in the middle to recover a little bit. I still don't know how I'm going to manage it.

My timetable tells me I have English before lunch and then art and biology after. Great. My plan for after school may not be as well executed as I would like.

I shove all my books into my bag just as my sister yells up the stairs to tell me to get downstairs if I want to catch the bus. My heart sinks simultaneously with my groaning brain. I hate public transport. But I pick up my bag, sling it over my shoulder and walk downstairs anyway.

Because I can't let her win.

As I walk downstairs and approach the front door, my sister looks at me dubiously as if she can't actually believe that I am coming to school. She is not the only one. My brain is struggling to believe it and is still desperately trying to get me to about turn and head back upstairs. I can tell that Jenny knows I do not want to come to school by the way in which she is eyeing my legs dubiously as they struggle to make it to the front door. They move woodenly, like a puppet, just like the rest of my body.

When I finally reach the front door I know that this is it, now or never. I inhale deeply as Jenny shoots me another dubious look before opening the door, letting a blast of cool autumn air through the door, blowing my hair back slightly. I scowl deeply as Jenny looks at me apologetically and shove my hands deep into the pockets of my jeans.

"You might want a jacket," she says to me, a smile starting to quirk at the corners of her mouth as she watches me shiver slightly in the cool breeze. My frown deepens and I shake my head slightly hunching my shoulders and bowing my head. Jenny tries to hide her smile but doesn't succeed. She shrugs slightly at me. "Suit yourself." She moves slightly past me, leaving the door wide open and yells upstairs. "Bye mum, see you later."

"Bye sweetie, have a good day at school," my mother replies enthusiastically while she runs down the stairs to give Jenny a hug. The smile on her face falters slightly when she sees me standing there. "Oh," she says, looking shocked. She quickly covers it up with a wide smile which doesn't reach her eyes. "Bye Jo. Have a good day." She reaches over to hug me too, but I step out of the way and walk out of the house before she ahs the chance to. I don't look back to see her hurt expression.

As I walk down the path I hear Jenny apologising to my obviously upset mother. I don't wait for her to catch up with me when I hear the door slam. I just keep walking away, down the pavement towards the bus stop.

"What the hell, Joanna," she all but shouts at me. "Why did you do that? Could you not see how upset she was? Do you have no feelings?" She exhales loudly in frustration and I hear her l loud footsteps clattering along the pavement to catch up with me. I feel a hand on my shoulder and suddenly I am facing her.

"Aren't you going to say something to me? Fight back you ungrateful, emotionless little . . . Ugh!" She shoves my shoulder and glares at me with blazing eyes. I don't know what she expects me to say. So I just turn around and keep walking.