Thoughts

I keep trusting people. Don't want to but I do.

I hope that they happen to be good people. I'm trying to be positive but it's hard cause I keep feeling screwed over. Conversations feel one sided. It's always what's up with them and I feel guilty if I bring up me at this point.

I got friends who have lovers and god am I happy for them. They deserve it. But I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy cause I know it won't happen for me. I'm talking to a boy and sure, it may seem like he likes me over text, but it's texting. It means zilch. But no one wants to hear me say "no, probably not" because they want it to be real, but I'm being realistic. I'm not lovable, and we aren't that close. I'm gonna be alone.

I still can't please my parents. Me being home just seeing me physically seems like I'm disappointing my parents. I want to be a good daughter but it's right back to the same shit. I'm not good enough until it's what they demand, and that's all I'm there for. There's no "we missed you, are you good?" Nope. Just "go clean." No love radiated. Cold. Not spoken to unless needed. Is it that big of a deal I have colored hair, do you need to make a face, and Jesus why can't you care if I'm okay instead of talking about what you want for once?

I want to feel wanted man. That's it. Wanted for more than venting or being the funny friend or someone who has to act like a mom or give advice. Wanted because they miss me and just want to talk. Genuinely care how I'm doing instead of the half ass question  in which I'm suppose to give the generic good since no one cares about the real answer anymore. I'm invisible it feels. Ghostlike. I'm not a priority to anyone, and it's always what can they get from me. I'm not a priority, so when will I become one? Cause this shit is getting old now.