Afternoons

she is not so bad

When i got home i didn't expect to see my mom and dad in the living room. It's so rare to see them ever together. Especially at home.

"Where were you?" My mom is the first to speak.

"At Zoe's," i reply not looking at her. Both my parents already know Zoe's parents.

"Slept over?" My dad asks.

I nod.

"Get ready then, we have to leave in 20 minutes. We made plans to meet up with my parents," mom says.

I internally roll my eyes. I never liked my grandparents. The children were the ones who loved her, except Caricia. Talking about Caricia, i need to go check up on her.
I run up the stairs followed by a shout from my mom telling me not to run.
I only slow down when i reach the 6 year old's door.
I knock once before opening the door.

I see Caricia looking at herself in the mirror. She was wearing a dark red dress with black sparkles and black shoes.

"You look lovely, kid," i smile at her reflection.

"I don't like dresses," she pouts.

"Neither do i," i laugh.

She turns around and crosses her arms, "where were you last night? I stayed up late waiting for a goodnight kiss."

I sit down on her bed and pull her next to me. "I'm sorry, i stayed with Zoe."

Her eyes instantly lit up. She hasn't seen Zoe in a long time. They are betters friends than what Zoe and I are.

"I'm going to get ready, see you in a bit." I kiss her forehead and head out the room.

I pass Axel's room, who is on his bed reading that damn journal. Whoever wrote that thing really has that kid intrigued.
No, hypnotized.
Sometimes i just want to open it and read what is so interesting about it.

In 15 minutes we are out the door and inside the car.

"Alright, you kids behave..."

That's all i heard my dad say before i played my music louder, blocking any sound other than the masterpiece deafening me.
It wasn't long before we got to the giant house.
Caricia held onto my hand tighter as we approached the door.

We were greeted by a maid. Well of course she has maids. This family can't live without them.
We were led into the dining room where our grandparents awaited.

Dinner was a bit awkward for me. Grandma kept on glaring at me. The number one reason was because of my hair and clothes.
My mom had noticed but didn't say anything. She would only send a very small smile my way.
That's another point for me. It's a bit weird looking at my mom smile.

"Do you have a boyfriend yet?" My grandpa asks me.

I look down at my plate. I shift uncomfortably. I don't want to answer.

"No," i answer shortly.

"You haven't looked for one?"

"Why would i want to?" I make a face of disgust, but i still don't look at her.

"Boys like girls with long hair-"

"I do too but girls with short hair or any style are beautiful," i cut her off.

My grandma stays silent for a few seconds. "That's a sin...a girl to like another girl-"

A hand slammed down the table. I turn to face my mom who's face was red with anger.

"We are all sinners, what makes her any different? Let my daughter eat in peace!"

Never in my life would i have expected that from her. It makes me change my view on her, just a bit.
I bite my bottom lip and look back down at my untouched plate. Dinner was silent after that. We left pretty quickly which I'm thankful for.
On our way back my phone vibrated.
I pull out my phone. My heart skipped 5 beats. Eleanor's name appeared on ny screen. She wasn't calling, it was just a text.

Eleanor: wanna come over?

I sent her a reply quickly: sure.

No.
I don't want to go. That would just feed my feeli-
I can't bring myself to even think about it. Something about getting any closer to Eleanor scares me.
Being in a relationship scares me. I sound like a fucking clown but it's the truth.
I don't want to end up getting hurt or hurt my partner.
Yet, i was rushing it so much with Taylor.

When we got back home i hopped out the car without a word and ran towards my bike.

I knock on Eleanor's door. The door swings open and i see her big sister standing there with a smirk.

"Your booty call is here, little sis!" She yells.

I shake my head with a smile. Her sister pulls me into a hug before letting me enter. Eleanor appears and instantly runs up to me and pulls me into a hug.

"Hey," she whispers super close to my ear.

That sent shivers down my spine. She pulls me by my hand, leading me into her room. She closes the door and takes a seat on her bed.
I just stand there, not daring to look her in the eyes. I'll be captivated by them in an instant if i do so.
She pats the empty space next to her. I slowly make my way towards her and sit down.

"Did i do something wrong?" She asks softly as she plays with her hands.

I frown and finally look at her face.

"No...no, you did nothing wrong. I just-" i pause. I have no excuse on why i have been avoiding her even though we sometimes talk but I'm very distant. "I've been busy, Eleanor."

She nods, "i understand."

"Anything new happen while i was busy?" I ask.

She shakes her head.
Now she is the one who isn't talking.

"Are you mad at me?" I ask as i take her hand.

Terrible idea. Now i don't want to let go. Her hand is so soft and warm. It's all I've ever wanted for the last couple of hours.

"No. I'm just irritated, that's all."

"About?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me," i push. I have no right to but i would want to know.

She burst out yelling at me that instant, tears and all. It got ugly, like very ugly.

"About you, Alexina! I'm irritated that you give me mixed signals! You get so close to me and when i try stepping closer you push me away! Do you have any idea of what you want? Do you want to be in a relationship or not? Am i what you want or not? I like you, dammit! I know what i want. I want you, Alexina. But no, who knows what the hell you want. Taylor, is that her name? It doesn't matter anyways...but she caught your attention huh? Don't fuck me over, Alexina. Get your shit together. Choose who you want but stop playing around."

I don't know why but a smile broke out on my face. Unfortunately that only made Eleanor more angry. She pushed me and shoved me. I allowed it.

"You son of a bitch!" She attempted to hit chest but i stopped her by pulling her close, not allowing her to move. She had no other option but to stay still and sob into my chest.

"I'm going to slap that smile off your face," she yells into my chest.

I rub her back. If only someone else other than Zoe could rub my back like this.

"Eleanor, I'm sorry-"

"No you aren't!"

"Listen...I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry for ghosting you for so long. I'm sorry for making you lose your mind. I'm sorry for hurting you, for every bad moment I've caused you...but i know what i want. But i just can't bring myself to confessing who i want. I'm scared, okay?"

Eleanor sniffs. "Then let me help you overcome your fear..."

I'm not sure what i was feeling at that instant but it made me want to cry. No one has ever offered to help me, except for my best friend. But a friend can only help to a certain point.
And now, I'm the only one who can help myself by allowing someone new into my life.