Knock Me Down - [COMPLETE]

14 - Desire

"Come here"

I grab the water bottle and sit next to him confused and he pulls me down so I'm right next him. I repeat my question, "Are you okay?"

He's still. Staring up at the sky.

I give him the water, "Do you want to take Advil?"

"Already did" He quietly adds, "Thank you"

We laid in silence. But I was too curious to let it stay that way.

"I like your make up, it's grungey...who did it?"

"A friend" He replies flatly.

"Its pretty. It makes you look edgy. Like you're gonna kill corporate assholes and evil political agenda"

"Like I'm gonna punch capitalism? Disembowel a corrupt politician?" He suggests.

I laugh and nod. He's not looking but he knows. It's quiet again and the sounds of little insects, distant cars, and other miscellaneous things fill that gap. It's peaceful in one sense but mildly eerie.

"Why do you come home sometimes so late like this?" I don't know if I should ask so it comes out above a whisper but considering it's late at night and we're chillin' like it's 7 in the afternoon I know it's right.

He doesn't answer my question. He's trying to fight his moderate slurring of words and says "D'you...remember when you were younger and you cried...because you thought I was movin' away?"

I blush, "No"

I'm lying.

"When I got home my dad told me you were in the house... found you in my room. Eyes red. You were adorable. Cute even" He keeps his face neutral, "I...still thought you were fucking annoying... Snotty kid"

"My brother was the one that told me that shit! He said you were leaving to Belgium to live with your family.... He just failed to mention it was temporary" I bit my lip, "I thought I'd never see you again"

He turns his head and sits up. He looks like he's thinking. He's been doing so much of that. He does so much of that. But says so little. Analyzing my face he tells me, "Things changed"

I furrow my eyebrows.

"You're still annoying. You follow me everywhere. You're awkward. You're embarrassing. And sometimes I wanted you as far away from me as possible" His arm is keeping him up but his state of mind makes him rock, "How'd that change?"

He mumbled another question but it's lost in his drunken language. I don't answer because even if I was expected to answer I wouldn't know what to say to him. I didn't get it.

"For a long time...that changed" He says.

"I don't understand"

"Yeah" He leans down and over me. He touches his forehead to mine with his eyes closed. And I'm frozen. I'm shocked. I don't know what to do. His wet hair tickles my forehead and his head sways gently like he's absorbing the moment, "Naive kid"

"But you're not really...naive" He grumbles.

He pulls away to look me in the eyes. It's like he's set up a trap. I can't look away, I can't pretend to be occupied somewhere else. Somehow drunk and tired he looks good.

He sighs frustrated and leans his head on my collarbone.

"I'd kiss you, Matty"

My throat becomes dry. I don't get why he phrased it like that but I'm speechless. He looks me in the eye again and it's stern. With longing. And yearning. With everything I feel now. But he's asking for it from me.

"Stop me"

I want to kiss him. I didn't realize how much. I thought my attraction to him was limited to a distance but it felt more real now. Far more than that. I wanted him to kiss me. But he was drunk. This could be less than what I'm hoping for it to mean.

He's close. His lips are floating above mine, teasing me. Hesitating with me. I can feel his warm breath and I can see it. Ours. From the cold. It comes together and disperses away from us. I know the second he touches me I'll cave.

But I turn my head at the last second.

"You're drunk, Jasper. You don't" I swallow, "really want this"

He lets his body press over mine. He's warm. He sighs into my neck and it brings me goosebumps. My hand reaches up hesitantly. And I hug him. Patting his back to comfort him. The alcohol must be really fucking with his mind.

"The problem, Matty, is I do" He groans, "And I want more than kisses"

He rolls over and backs away to rest his back on his house. I struggle to hear him but he says, "I want...to myself... Fuck that...Holden kid"

My face feels hot. Hot enough that I'm sweating regardless of the temperature. My hearts pumping way too quickly. It's like my heart is rattling in my rib cage. This doesn't seem real. I've dreamt of this situation. I didn't think I felt anything as overwhelming. It was a stupid attachment I thought initially.

But I know in my own way, I want Jasper.

Jasper stands gaining composer. His infamous stoicism regains his expression and goes to open the door, "Go home."