Knock Me Down - [COMPLETE]

7 - The Question

The soft part of me wants to make him feel better by giving him something close in resemblance to what he wants of me but Holden's my friend. Only my friend. And I can't give him false hope. That'd be cruel.

"So" He pushes his glass aside, "what do you say? Like, not the answer obviously if you don't want but, what's the plan? Do you—"

"Excuse me" A hand grabs the large tray of pizza and slides the left over slices onto a smaller one and returns the pizza to the center of the table. There's more room on it.

I don't answer and wait for Jasper to go. I glance up at him and he's looking at me annoyed. Like telepathically I could hear him say 'I told you'.

"One time in the 5th grade a girl told me she liked me. She was the class clown and I was quiet and only liked to be around my group of friends. She sat with me on the bus. I was always the first or second off the bus and the last one on the bus for the start of the day. She'd always be there in the morning with her backpack next to her to save me a seat. At some point on the bus rides home I'd started to save her a seat"

He's confused but to be honest I don't know how else to communicate except with random momentary thoughts.

"This was before she told me but I thought she just was noticing me and that that meant I wasn't as much of a loser as I thought. My classmates would always make fun of me 'cause growin up I was real scrawny. I'm not easy to make friends with. I was thinking I was the one going after her. Everyone knew she was the funny one who talked to every one, that always got in trouble for being loud and making people laugh at inappropriate times. Like one time in a moment of silence on Veterans Day. She was my friend"

I take a sip of my sweet tea. It's a little water downed from the ice just sitting there. I had a habit of drinking my beverage at the end.

"She'd partner with me at gym. Like on the little square scooters. She always wanted me to sit on them while she pushed me way too fast across the gym. She even cried when she accidentally slammed me into the wall and I ran over my fingers. She'd want to find excuses to hold my hand at recess. She'd play basketball with me. She even cut this asshole Brian's hair that liked to pick on me when he knocked me off the rock climbing wall. She'd give me her baked tater tots and in 5th grade that was basically the road to a marriage proposal"

He looks apprehensive, "Is this your way of telling me your straight? Fuck. I forgot to ask. I just assumed since—I don't know. I didn't think to ask"

"Shh" I laugh, "Chill, man, shut up and let me finish. She was a close friend. We even went to high school together. But after I told her I just wanted to stay best friends she stopped talking to me at lunch, recess, no more tater tots and Uncrustables. She'd put her backpack on the seat but to stop me from sitting there. And as a ten year old and a cry baby, that sucked"

He's silent and waiting for me to make my point.

"It's only 5th grade so I mean kids can be selfish and irrational. But I just don't want to know you're only talking to me because it's out of hope it'll get me to like you. And then boom maybe you can't get that. And you become an acquaintance. Or worse, an awkward hallway stranger"

"Awkward hallway stranger?"

I nod, "Yeah like those people you don't talk to anymore and you don't know if you should greet them in the hallway but you do. But it's with small awkward smiles or half assed waves, man"

He laughs but he looks mildly disappointed. Like he knows where I'm going.

"Do you get what I'm saying?" I ask quietly, "Im sorry. I would–"

He sighs but manages to give me a nod. It's genuine, "I do. Don't worry about me. I'm trying to recover from the embarrassment I'm feeling. All this feels very...anyway. I still want to sit around at parties talking and making dumb origami out of napkins with you. I still want to teach you how to catch food with your mouth when I throw it. Because even though you play sports and are somehow good, you have the coordination of an inflatable waving tube man"

We laugh because he's right.

"And I would've still brought you here. And I would've still wanted to hang out. As friends. Sooo, staying friends?"

I keep the smile on my face, "Definitely. You signed away your soul to me the second you said hi to me anyway"

"Then blood brothers?" He holds his hand out.

I nod and we pretend to slice our palms with our fingers. Holden laughs when he sees me put sauce on my hand.

"What? We can't use actual blood. That's gross. And I think your uncle would kick us out"

He does the same and we dramatically shake hands. We look like kids.
—

"Hey, Holden"

"Yeah?" He has his eyes on the road. He's taking me home.

"I'm glad you told me. I know you wanted, uh, a different circumstance but I think we got closer in a way we wouldn't have gotten to as quickly if you hadn't told me how you felt. That took bravery. Thanks. Really, dude"

"Thanks for letting me stick around"

"You can until you don't want you. Deal?"

"Deal."