I don't know which is harder forgiving myself or waiting on you to forgive me
It seems no matter what happens I take one step forward to get knocked back ten more
I thought I was at peace with what happened
That I had accepted it and learned to move on
But with a few words from your mouth I discovered that I was wrong
That I had taken my pain and buried in deep in my core
I shoved it into the farthest corners of my brain for it to collect dust and be forgotten
I had pushed it down, buried it under the ground never to see day light again
But even with all my precocious measures, those words slipped off your tongue and nestled into my secret like grappling hooks pulling it to the surface
But it wasn't enough for you to resurrect my pain. You were nonchalant and calculating and decided to make me suffer.
You whispered your words and invited some friends to the party, because why just be in pain when self loathing and insecurities can join as well
In that moment you took me back to the scene of the crime.
I stood there and watched the pouring of salt in my wounds all over again...because it's never enough for enough for me to simply be in pain.
I regretted my decision the second that I made it but I couldn't take it back. I felt horrible for my choices but no one seemed to understand that.
So while parents smothered on layers off disappointment I sunk deeper in my self-hate but since no punishment is complete without them mention of religion lets throw in the word sin and let your adolescent psyche fester.
Because what's more complicated than trying to figure out who you are while trying to remain close to perfect.
Heaven forbid The Lord not forgive my sins and leave me to burn for eternity.
Why confine my punishment to self-infliction which your additions when we could add the pressure of religion
I fight with myself trying to let go but how can I when you haven't yet
I pray to God that he forgive my moment of weakness...my sin
But how can I believe that he will if you haven't forgiven me yet
How can I ask for your forgiveness when you have already given your opinion
Walled your heart and gentleness with assumptions and ignorance. Barbed wired it with layers of arrogance.
After all you are older and wiser-
How can I admit my mistake and ask for your forgiveness when you've already decided my fate
Dear judge I ask you what good is my apology if you're not willing to listen
