Kissing Oli (on hold)

b e f o r e

LEILA CHO IS A LOT of things but someone who takes no for an answer is not one of them.

When we were in high school, she constantly reminded me—or if I'm being honest, she bugged the living shit out of me—to live a little. Between the two of us, I am the one who's more uptight and calculating. But Leila's convincing power is just out of this world. So "living a little" entailed doing things I that would never normally do so I can learn something from them or, I don't know, maybe so she can get a laugh from my awkward ass doing awkward, stupid things.

For instance, she used to invite me to stay out some nights on her roof to look at the stars (see: I am deathly afraid of heights) and talk about how we imagine ourselves to be when we're 40 (see also: I'm going to be the next Jo Rowling and she, the next Natalie Portman).

Sometimes, it was as simple as getting that short bob, or trying out a new dish in that new restaurant, or wearing that very orange shirt.

And other times, it's as crazy as asking my cute lab partner out on a date.

Of course many of those live-a-little ideas went horribly wrong because a) I do not have the face to pull-off a bob, b) that dish had peanuts and I am allergic, c) orange is definitely NOT my colour, and d) said lab partner had a girlfriend but it was "sweet of me to ask".

But no matter how crazy those ideas were, it got me feeling like I emerged as a new person. Or at least a better one because I did try. And for Leila trying was enough.

Right now though, as I look at her, an encouraging smile plastered on her face and mischief in her eyes, I can conclude that she has, in fact, finally gone mad.

"Not gonna happen," I declare with finality. Let the record show that I will never be caught dead kissing Oliver Jones. So what if he's got irresistible lips? That doesn't mean I can just go up to him and kiss him...right? Oli is number one on my no-kiss list. But dear God those lips. I shake my head a little to take the mental picture off. "Nope."

"Luna, come on," Leila pleads. She's now holding both my hands in hers seemingly in prayer, our drinks placed safely on the floor. "You'll never really know until you explore your feelings, you know. He's great. You're great. A match made in fucking heaven!"

"Lei, you don't understand." I close my eyes and groan. I've been hiding my feelings for years so there's no chance for me to spoil the friendship. "Oli's been there for me through everything. You know that. And we are such good friends. I don't want to ruin that."

"You're not gonna ruin it. If anything, you guys can make it better."

"You don't know that."

"Yeah, maybe. But do you really want to stay as just good friends?"

I do! I want to scream at her so she'll believe me. I want to believe it too. Because I do. I really, really do. I wanted to stay good friends with Oli. But I swallow the words (and all the half-truths that go along with them) and stay quiet.

Because sometimes those feelings that you've tried to bury so far down the abyss of your soul have a way of climbing back up that they fill your entire being. I'm suddenly consumed by all the emotions that I've been trying to keep at bay for these past four years, hitting me right in the chest like an eighteen-wheeler truck.

I look at Oli again, the red, green and blue of the lights dancing on his high cheekbones. He keeps running a hand through his brown hair every few minutes-an action that he never really noticed until I pointed it out to him. It has grown too long for my liking but I smile when I remember how it used to stick out in a hundred different directions. With his dishevelled hair, an easy smile, and a voice still thick with sleep, seeing Oliver Jones first thing in the morning is a thank-you-God moment.

He's laughing now because of something Mark said and I can see his eyes quite clearly, that distinct colour of the sky before the storm, bright and shrewd and wrinkling at the corners. I know that when I close my eyes, I can hear his laugh in my head. The same laugh that has had me laughing along with him a thousand times over the course of four years.

But it's not just his laugh or his kind eyes or his heartbreakingly handsome face that convince me that Oliver Jones is something else. I know that there's no such thing as perfection or that magic doesn't exist, but man if it does, it will be Oli.

Just looking at him like this makes my heart flutter and my thoughts create a freaking cinematic montage of some of the most random memories I have with him—us eating grilled cheese at 2 AM, us reciting all the Harry Potter spells in ridiculous British accents, us watching a production of the Cursed Child, us on our convenience store runs so we can eat ice cream for dinner.

With Leila being a 2-hour drive away, he had become both an anchor and a constant presence. And I swear to God I really tried my best to keep my crush as just a crush in the beginning, but it's hard when he's literally the one I come home to. Or that he's the one who comes home to me, usually with a box of pizza in tow. But even before my feelings complicated our home life and friendship, I did the more intelligent thing and pushed it way, way, way down where he can never see it.

It used to work and we would go on about our days as just friends.

But there are times, like this exact moment, when the feelings just want to break free because as if he senses my gaze, Oli looks at me and smiles broadly. He mouths "you okay", and raises his beer bottle as if to clink with my cup. I smile back at him and think that from my perspective, he is pretty fucking perfect.

The kind of perfect that I don't want to get my hands on and smear with something dirty.

So I turn my head back to Leila, give her a smile that I know doesn't reach my eyes, and in a small voice I ask, "What's so wrong about being just friends?"

***

Wahey, friends!

Here's another chapter of Luna being scared of her own feelings and let's be honest, at one point we were all a Luna—in love with someone and doesn't want to face those feelings because we're afraid we'll ruin it. So here's to all the chances that we missed because we like to play it safe (I'm looking at you freshman-in-college-Gleng).

Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I can't say we will see Luna declaring her feelings anytime soon but we'll get there.

Please comment and vote! Thank you!

Mahal ko kayo,

Gleng x