Telling All

First Black Eye

You might be thinking there is no way that that was the first time she hit her. If I’m still covering for her but truth is that that was the first time. Now Nikki has always been dominant she has always towered over me. There was no 50/50 with her Nikki just didn’t like to be touched. I have always been scared of her. She is the type that fucks hard she doesn’t make love she devours her prey. She devours me. To be honest that is what drew me close to her. The first time we had sex I woke up smiling I had never been fucked like that my entire life. I enjoyed how she made me feel during sex I enjoyed the thrill. But the bruises that I woke up with scared me… I would have bruises on my neck, my shoulders and my thighs everywhere. I gave up putting on a head wrap coz it didn’t help it came off anyway. I would wake up with missing braids they would be all over the bed. I don’t know how this happens but she had never laid a hand on me at this point but the day she laid her hands on me in that car didn’t startle me. She always had the upper hand so in my mind I was already being physically abused, if that makes sense.
Nikki has always had a temper and she doesn’t like to talk, I learned that quick. Things always have to go her way if not she will get mad but will quickly calm down. Then I thought it was because she didn’t wanna fight or that she didn’t want me to see her mad or that she cared about my feelings. Now I know that she was just calming herself down because if she got mad all hell would break loose. But of course she couldn’t risk me seeing that. It wasn’t the right time. I was not ‘broken’ then so it wasn’t the right time. I now know that abusers will let you know every fucked up thing about them once they know that you won’t leave them. The door is wide open yes but you just CAN’T leave. How they do that? ... I don’t know, how she did that.. I still don’t know.
I lived with my mom while attending college and Nikki had an apartment and was working. She had been asking me to move in with her and I told her I would think about it. I was thinking about it. It had been over a year since she asked me and she was getting really impatient. She would make these comments that meant I will not wait for you there’s plenty girls out there. I was in love so I finally talked to my mom about it and she agreed. I was 21 at the time so obviously my mom knew about my sexuality and my relationship. The next day I went over to her place to tell her the good news.

We went to get Mc Donald’s coz we were hungry so we went in a drive through. At Mc Donald’s we were greeted by a gentleman who took our order. The gentleman looked at me and asked if I lived in Phoenix I simply answered with a “No, I don’t”, completely casual and friendly and he said “Oh sorry, never mind I must be confusing you with someone else”. We were done with ordering and Nikki drove forward to the next window completely silent. I could see that she wasn’t okay anymore. I asked her what was wrong she didn’t say anything to me. The food came she took it and passed it on to me, smiled and thanked the lady and she drove off. I wanted to ask her again but I just decided to stay quiet. She turned the volume up on the radio and started speeding on a narrow road which got me scared. I turned down the volume and I said “Please slow down”. She said “I’m gonna ask you this once, who was that guy back there?” I was confused I just didn’t know what to say so I kept quiet and looked at her. I’m not gonna ask you again she said and she started shouting and pounding the steering wheel with her fists slamming it with her hands so hard yelling "Are you fucking cheating on me?" I said “No what are you talking about?. I got scared. She said "soon you will know and you will tell me the truth bitch", she sped off. We reached her place she opened the gate and drove in. I was so scared I started apologising and kept telling her I don’t know that guy I never met him in my life. I quickly told her the reason I came to see her was because I love her and I wanna move in with her. “You promised you’ll never put your hands on me again” I said crying. It was like she was deaf. She parked, took the house keys went around the car and opened the door of the house and came straight to me. I should’ve locked the car but my mind didn’t think that far at that point I just kept looking at her red eyes coming towards me she opened the passenger door and pulled me out. I tried to balance but she just yanked me and threw me on the living area floor. I went straight on the glass coffee table and bumped on it and fell to the ground. At this point there was glass everywhere I was in all fours trying to get away trying to make my way to the bathroom when she grabbed my leg turned me to look up and she started slapping me hard. “Nikki no please stop I’m so sorry I screamed. My screams were null and void to her she continued to hit my face with her fists. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry” I kept saying, but she did not stop. I remember opening my eyes and I couldn’t see anymore. I yelled, “Nikki I can’t see I can’t see”. She grabbed me by my dress and slammed me on the window face first and I fell to the ground crying my eyes out. I could feel her looking down me. At that point I didn’t care anymore I didn’t care if she continued or stopped I was fucked anyway. I felt her walking away and soon heard a lighter go off, she was smoking. She said she would never lay her hands on me again she promised she promised. It was over and I was gonna make sure of it.  I laid there holding my face for what felt like 20 mins. I finally opened my eyes and I couldn’t see straight. I was scared to stand up I was scared to go look at my face in the mirror. She came back in and said “clean this mess”. I quickly got the broom and swept the floor. She was now watching tv and my left eye was giving me problems it felt like fire it was so sore. I went and knelt beside her I needed to go to a hospital and I was too scared to tell her. I looked down at my hands and just told myself to be calm because this was the only way I was gonna go to that hospital. “Nikki I’m sorry, I’m sorry for doing this to you I didn’t mean to make you angry I apologize please find it in your heart to forgive me, I said looking up at her. I saw three of her with my injured eye and I held the tears back. I want you to be happy, I want us to be happy I wanna move in with you and show you how serious I am about our relationship”. She never once looked at me. I continued with the lies “I see a future with you”. Finally said something she always wanted to hear and I finally got her attention. She looked at me. She placed her hand on my chin, grabbed it and kissed me on my lips. She stood me up and the bitch started undressing me. I wanted to stab her in the face. She sat me on the sofa and slid down my dress. I let her have me one final time right there on the sofa. When she was done she said “lets go get your things”. I got scared again not knowing what to say. Its 20:30 pm and I wasn’t gonna go to my mom’s house looking like this. I tried to reason with her and told her my dad was home that night so it was not possible for me to move while he's there. “Tomorrow then”, she said. Now my left eye was throbbing of pain and I couldn’t bare it anymore so I started crying and begged her to take me to the hospital mind you I couldn’t see straight everything was blurry. She said ”No, you gonna tell them what happened?”. I said “No I will tell them I ran into a pole”. She was sceptical but then I heard her say “Go get the keys”. I couldn’t believe it. We went to the hospital they asked me what happened. I lied. She didn’t threaten me or hold anything against me. You see the door is always open but you can’t leave The answer was right there in front of them, her 5'9/ 6' frame towering over me but I couldn’t say it. I had swelling inside my eye which was gonna go down in 2 months time so I had to come back every week to change eye drop medicines. I had a full on Black eye the next morning and I was in pain but of course she didn’t care I had to perform my ‘wifely duties’.

For two weeks I stayed with her couldn’t go home coz my mom would ask a lot of questions about what happened to my face. It only took me 3 days to forgive her that is how in love I was. She was showering me with gifts new clothes, anything I wanted I got. She kept apologising saying she knows she promised never to do it again but she lost control because of that guy and she can’t see herself without me. I was in love so I forgave her. My mom would call and ask me why I wasn’t back still and I would lie, I lied for two whole weeks. When I was finally better we went to go get make up to cover the bruises and I went home with her to get my stuff and we moved in together.